Years of abuse and I'm finally speaking out.

For many years I was in an abusive relationship and I never told anyone about it because I was afraid that I would be judged by mothers. The abuse seemed to have snuck up on me and eventually my self esteem was so low that I honestly thought nobody else would ever love me or want me because I thought I was damaged goods. My abuser told me that nobody else would ever love me or want me because I was emotional and sensitive. He told me that he was the only one who truly understood me and I believed him because I already had low self esteem as it was. Pretty soon my self esteem was gone and I hated who I was as a person. Many nights I cried myself to sleep and I grew very depressed.

Been gaslighted, manipulated, lied too, verbally abused and emotionally. There was a time where he poured alcohol over my head and a match burned my arm when he was lighting up a cigarette and he didn't even apologized. Believe this is when I finally stood up for myself and he ended up disappearing on me. It's something he does as a form as punishment. Looking back I remember times where he ignored me when his friends were around and acted as if I wasn't even there. He witheld affection from me and told me I was too clingy anytime I tried to kiss him or give him a hug. Overtime I suspected he was cheating on me and I was right. Around the time he was cheating on me, he accused me of cheating on him many times and told me if I was cheating on him that he would kill me.

He also took a photo of me as I was sleeping and he emotionally blackmailed me that if I ever left him that he would put it online and how everyone in town would know what a slut I was. When he ignored me, it messed with my head and I tried to do anything to get his attention. Grew anxious and started having panic attacks due to some of the things he said to me and from his anger outbursts. Sometimes he would ask me for sex and when I didn't he would keep nagging me and nagging me. His mood swings would drag me down and I started to feel tired a lot of the time. When he came over my house to pick me up, I would have to go out there before hand because if I wasn't, he would yell at me and I would have to hear about it for the rest of the day. Felt as if I was walking on eggshells and everything seemed like it was my fault. So many times I tried to leave him but I couldn't go through with it because I thought how nobody else would want me or love me, so I decided to stay with him and thought to myself... I guess this is all I deserve. Nobody will ever want me anyhow or want to be my friend either. That's how badly he affected my self esteem and the way I looked at myself.

Overtime I stopped speaking because I started to hate the sound of my own voice and I barely would even speak. I was afraid to speak anyhow because I was scared of what he might say and I didn't want him to yell at me, so I remained silent. When he yelled at me, I would apologize for everything pretty much. I still do say "I'm sorry" quite often from the abuse I had to go through. He hated the fact that I was friends with guys and he was even jealous of friends of mine who were girls because he thought I might kiss them or I'd kiss one of my guy friends. He was always so paranoid, telling me I did certain things that I didn't even do and yell at me over everything pretty much. I remained silent about this for so long and didn't want to tell anyone because I feel as if people will judge me, make fun of me or say horrible things to me like he did. Some of the things he said to me was horrible and I remember looking down at my shoes and not even saying a word. Finally I got tired of it and stood up for myself and he disappeared on me. He disappeared on me 5 weeks ago and I'm scared that he might try to come back. Two nights ago I promised one of my friends that I wouldn't go back to him and I won't because I'm scared of what could happen next.

I just wanted to share my story on here and hope that I could get some support from others. I'd also like to have some friends because I don't have much of a support system. Told my friends and family very very little. I'd tell them more but I don't want to put this on anyone's shoulders and make them depressed. As of right now I'm working on my self esteem and talking to my therapist about this since I suffer from PTSD now. I've been shaking a lot lately and I listen to ambient music and meditate to help me through these hard times that I've been having. Thanks for listening.