Sex and Pain
TW: sexual abuse, adult content
For most of my life I associated anything sexual to pain, degradation, and self-hatred. After sex stopped being forced on me, I started using anything sexual as a way to hurt myself because it brought up so much pain. When I hate myself, I watch (usually violent and triggering) porn and/or masturbate, and then I break down. And even when I'm in a good place, being touched makes me panic.
But now I'm in a relationship, and it's a problem. I rarely have sex with my girlfriend, because I don't want my usual sexual dynamic, but it causes some friction between us. My girlfriend has a hard time understanding why I only feel up to having sex once or twice every few weeks. She's never delt with that kind of thing. I've explained that it depends on how I'm doing, and she's understanding of that, but I think we both just miss the intimacy and closeness of sex. I hate that I can't give her that more often.
So she's suffering because we don't have sex much and she misses me, and I'm suffering because sex hurts and I feel guilty for upsetting her. And also because I do want sex, I just can't have it in a healthy way. I miss her so much.
I feel so stuck and lost and sad.
@happytales
hey there. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I go through the same but is better nowdays thankfully. Would it be ok for me to leave some suggestions? They might help, who knows!
What about a common ground? Like.. you go slow with her. Tell her what is ok and not ok to do. It can be small or big stuff, but be open with her. Also try your best to explain what certain gestures or touching in certain areas affect you. SHe might feel closer to you and understand.
And sexually just keep trying. Tell yourself that no one is pressuring you, neither is she. She just wants your love so she isn't going to force you or judge you, she just wants to understand and be close. So remember you can go slow and explore in a healthy way. This might help you relax more, see that she won't hurt you, that you have control this time. In abuse we often feel powerless but this time YOU have control. You can say yes and no, how things will go and so on.
I hoped I helped somehow, and if not I hope you find a better answer and move forward. Sending you lots of hugs.
