It’s been one year

I have had an account here since March of 2021. And I’ve looked around and thought about talking to someone, but I wasn’t really sure where to start. At first I thought I was feeling depressed again like I had in my teen years, and I thought maybe if I talked about my relationship problems and my job and my stresses, it would help. But I chose not to say anything. And then when I found out my relationship didn't need my effort or saving, and that I needed to get to that point so I would leave, I felt some relief. But now I think its time that I get some of my feelings out to someone other than myself.

As the one year anniversary of my freedom from an emotional abuser and narcissistic partner has approached, I am struggling with my emotions. I am feeling a lot of mixed things. Yesterday, (which was the day one year ago, that I had finally found proof of my ex’s infidelity) I woke up feeling very out of it; kind of loopy, groggy, weak, shaky, sad and anxious. And I felt like that most of the day and I tried to push through it, thinking maybe it’s a bit of a hangover. But today, feeling a little more clear, I know that was not just a hangover nor a healthy experience. I’m pretty sure that was the trauma of reliving that night all over again, thinking that was a healthy way to “celebrate” a year of being on my own again.

I am proud that I walked away and have stayed away for a year. I am proud that I have not had contact with him in almost an entire year. But I’m also angry that I haven’t done much of anything to change myself or my situation in the last year since kicking him out of it. I said I was going to do better for myself and change things. I haven’t moved out of this stupid house that he lived in with me for three years. I still sleep in the same bed that we shared. I still work at the same job that I know I’m unhappy at. And then again I am proud that I have been learning to set boundaries with work as well as with family members and friends. Although I feel that I may be self medicating with alcohol a bit too much, because it has now become a social activity with the friends that I have gained since the separation, instead of an escape from the *** that I was living in for three years. I’m sad that almost running into him accidentally on the street sends me into full panic, or that I still sort of keep tabs on him. And that I tell myself it's so that I don’t run into him again but that’s only partially true. Part of me really just wants to know if something bad happens to him, so he can feel half of the pain I’ve felt. And then I feel guilty for thinking that. Then I’m still so angry with myself for ignoring the signs and all of the gut instincts I was having for so long. I’m angry at myself for being weak. And that I stuck it out with someone that demeaned me, isolated me, withheld love from me purposefully, and made me feel like I was the forgetful crazy girl that just drank too much and slept too much, even though I took care of and supported him and his two kids, all the while he was cheating on and lying to me.

And other than crying by myself, or venting to a few friends, and just going on with life, I don’t know how to actually deal with this.