How to help a male who lives with an abusive partner?
Hey! I have a friend about whom I am worried about. I am almost certain his girlfriend is abusive because she also abuses emotionally other people; me and my friends just had a serious fight with her about her emotionally abusing us. The girl herself just denies she has done something wrong. But I am terrified to think what her partner who is also a good friend of mine experiences since he lives with her.
But there is so little information about men being abused and he doesn't talk about his feelings like never, therefore I have no idea how to approach or help him. What should I do? Or where will I find good information about this?
I'll describe her girlfriend. She is terribly manipulative and constantly telling how ill she is and reacts to criticism like something unbearable for her due to her bad physical and mental health. Meanwhile she attacks people passiveaggresively and she has admitted hitting the guy. But I mostly vote for emotional abuse. She does seem to be convinced that their relationship problems are all his fault and he is an asshole (although he clearly isn't and she is). Sometimes she's nice too like an abuser is, I suppose, and publicly always kissing and hugging him.
She lives in his apartment and on his money, but I suppose that may be even making things worse for him, doesn't it? Like if he casts her out, she wouldn't have almost nowhere to go except for her mum's whom she claims not loving her although the woman is willing to give her last money to her daughter etc. It also seems, whenever their problems intensify she gets 'sicker and sicker'. (I say seems, because I don't live with them and don't know for sure but the patterns are quite certain).
I told the guy if he wants to talk he is welcome. But he just said "thank you" and nothing more.
I feel like she has a lot of problems of her own, especially if she's abusive. People aren't born as abusive, manipulative people. Life and situations make them that way. That being said, while people should help her, she shouldn't take it out on them. Try to talk to your friend about it (my best friend's boyfriend was very emotionally abusive and she didn't even realize until I explained it to her). Sometimes people don't want to see the worst in those that they love. As for you trying to talk to the girl about it - some people don't see what they're doing or they at least don't want to see it. The most important thing to do is make sure your friend is safe, then try to help the girl.
Well, I have to say, helping the girl has failed from me since we are somewhat enemies now because as you may expect me being someone in this forum, have problems of my own, and I simply could not tolerate the girl abusing me and my best friend... for the second time since we made up. I agree she needs help. But it's beyond my capability.
Why I am asking for help in here is that they guy is... well, guys are generally less prone to talk about their feelings and that guy hides his feelings a lot even for a guy. He is usually really calm and joking, I almost believed that he is that calm by nature. But some evidence shows even he doesn't take this abuse especially because there are hints of it being really intense.
@Sorceress, I am sorry to hear about what you and your friend are going through. Firstly, you can supporting your friend emotionally. It seems he is resilient and quietly takes in everything without complaining. Right now you can focus on making him feel heard. Encourage to talk about his feelings to you or someone else he is comfortable with.
However it seems that his girlfriend is not aware about what she is doing to him . Perhaps you can remind her about how she is hurting him and also hampering her relationship with him.
As a friend you can try being there or him to make sure he doesn't break down under pressure. It seems he stuffs in all the hurt and pain and this worries you as a considerate friend. I hope things can be resolved amicably .