Does it EVER go away?!

Im going to go ahead and spill my guts, largely because Im not sure where else to go with this. It isnt something I enjoy talking about.

15 years ago, I was involved with a man who was BAD NEWS. After two years of abuse, I was finally able to leave him. Less than four months later, he went on a violent rampage and killed several people before taking his own life.

Ive spent many years dealing with the fallout. Struggling with overwhelming guilt, PTSD, depression. But, I pulled myself up and through the struggles and his image has been absent from my dreams for over five years.

Until Wednesday night.

He appeared in my dream, as my current husband. All I recall was that I was snuggling up to my husband (all my spouses mannerisms and inflections), until I realized it was the bad man (physically). I recoiled in horror. My first thought when I woke up was my gods, Im still in love with [the bad man.]

This dream has completely f*(ked me up. I thought I was past all this. I havent wanted to snuggle my man, my stomach is in knots and Ive been choking back tears for two days. I hate spilling my guts like this but I really need to get it out. I spoke to my husband about it, but it just made him frustrated and angry. I think he thought I was past it all too. Im just frustrated and confused. When will he stop f$&@ing with me?! Will I EVER be over it?!