Headed back on placement soon

Hello everyone,

I’m a midwifery student headed back to finish the final year of my program, after having taken a year off to work in LTC. I’d just like to hear if/how any other people working in healthcare manage their mental health/trauma responses on the job. Particularly those working on-call.

Every time my pager goes off in the middle of the night I feel like I’m dying. Waking up to an intense adrenalin rush all the time, the moment I am conscious I feel like I’m going to pass out or throw up but I have to immediently start forming and listening to words, talking and assessing, timing contractions and be planning next steps.

I used to have panic attacks and cry, and now I just feel so beyond that. I never ever lose it or freak out anymore, haven’t in over a year. I operate well during emergencies and I am proud of that fact, nothing phases me anymore. Even in my nightmares I am level headed and planning next steps, going through management algorithms, trying to be a calm presence and reassuring people around me.

But the price is I just feel awful, more or less constantly when I’m on placement. Like I’m right about to completely breakdown and shake and lose it but I never do. On the outside I appear calm and I am functional but internally I have this constant weight in my stomach and sense of dread and impending doom. I wish I could quit this program, but I have a mountain of student debt, I’m 3/4’s done and realistically I have no choice but to finish this year, get the degree, and work in the field as long as I can to pay my debts down. So just trying to figure out how to do that without letting the work eat me alive.