It’s just too much
I’m not even sure where to post, my issue is a mess. Besides dealing with injuries, disability, lawyer, doctors, tests, shots, loosing friends, a dysfunctional relationship, and a million hours of other subjects I could ramble on about for months. But I need to talk about my daughter. I’m heartbroken. I found out some lies she’s been carrying since she was in school. She has moved and lives far away. She changed her name. We stayed in touch online but not to talk, just text. It never felt right but I let it be. We had lost contact for a couple years 18 years ago for 2+ years. I confronted her on some lies. So I didn’t want to loose her again. I didn’t question anything. She was being charged for child abuse a couple years ago. I was supportive, we messaged all day long. Offered to fly to be there to help, take the other 6 kids so she doesn’t loose them all, whatever I could do. She managed to have the charges dropped. I was pleased but felt somethings not right. In court my daughter claimed she was raised in the foster system, over 30 homes. They had no reason to contact her mom or family for a background check. I was concerned as to what to tell them if they had of made contact, I wanted to protect my daughter. But she was a pathological liar who needs special attention. I had still hoped they found the truth. Now I’m scared she got away with more than just her lie. She was never out of my care, she always had warm boots and shoes (says she grew up shoeless) she got everything she wished for, and never went hungry. It wasn’t always great but there was always enough. I was a single mom and tried so hard. It was all for her. She’s been online trying to redeem herself by accusing the system of harming her and her family. Speaking live at seminars. How they held her childhood in care and in poverty against her. They should have needed proof of that! But who lies about that? To a judge? I’m so ashamed for her it hurts. Now I have reported her to the authorities in her country. I feel horrible but I want her to get help. She’s become distant so I’m thinking she’s been contacted. She won’t want to text me to get my support through this one. She’s hoping I don’t know a thing. I don’t want to be there for her but I still feel sick to know she is going to hurt. I wish there was a way to separate your heart from your child. I don’t expect to be a real part of her life ever, I never was I guess. I feel like my life, my child, was stolen, by some cruel lady I don’t even want to know. I hope nobody understands 🥲 I don’t want anyone to feel this way.
@exuberantScarf1822
I can't even imagine how hurt you felt hearing about all these lies. It must have cut deep wounds into your heart. 
I hope your daughter will reach out to get help for herself to find peace and I hope you will also find a way to forgive her for what she said so that your motherly heart can heal. Carrying the burden of the disappointment, shame and maybe anger is hard, forgiveness will not undo what happened but it will help you not to add more suffering to what you already had.
Thank you for your understanding and kindness. It means a lot!
I’m so sorry :(
@exuberantScarf1822
Hi, how are you doing now? 💙🌻
Thank you for asking! I’m stressed. I got a message from my daughter. She said she will be off social media while she goes to counseling. I’m not on social media. I have Facebook messenger. I thanked her for telling me and told her to look after herself. I assume I’m not going to hear from her for a long while. She continues to appear to be online every day. So she’s not taking a break. That was her way of saying that shes taking a break from me. I’m not who she wants to talk to, of course. I hope she is doing well. I hope she’s being honest and gets proper help. Eliminating me will be reason to think the counseling has failed. She might not be treatable if she denies all the facts. I don’t like not knowing what’s going on. It makes me think it’s bad. I’m not scared of the truth, I’m scared of the lies. The truth has been revealed, there’s nothing to support any of her claims. Her life was so much better than the horrible life she was having to continue to research and create, being in 32 foster homes and 19 schools. Such an outrageous role to assume, never being in care or lived in an area to attend 19 schools. It should be a relief it’s over. Maybe that triggers resentment and anger when your discovered? I don’t know what all this means. I guess she was advised to get help. She might be refusing to or thinking she can play them like she did in court. What happens if you continue to lie during a mental evaluation? She’s not going to want to share the outcome of that. They must have to get her to read legal documents that confirm her stories are extremely bizarre and concerning fabrications. Is she going to pretend she’s unaware of the truth? Do they get her to get help or do they just let you walk and get proper help when you want. Maybe they will look at the lies in court and how that changed the investigation, and makes it all look corrupt, it makes her look so guilty, of a horrific act. I don’t have confidence in their system since they didn’t see through the lies the first go. They didn’t get access to any real evidence that would’ve harmed the case. They had to just believe there’s no past documentation because the system has no records. No records because she wasn’t in care. The legal system is a joke. I don’t know. It’s so hard to not know.
@exuberantScarf1822
So sorry for the late reply but I'm reading your message just now.
I can feel the despair and helplessness in your message, hugs. It is easier to accept the truth and facing what has to be faced than carrying on with all the lies. I wish I could offer you a solution but I can't. It must be incredibly hard for you to go through all of this. What are you currently doing for yourself to ensure that you're not getting burned out by all the worries and stress?
@amiablePeace77
Thank you for your reply.
I just got back from a little vacation. I've been trying to distract myself by getting out most days.
I've had a lot of time still to think. Mostly trying to figure out how this all happens and where it comes from. I have been writing a firm letter to another family member, exposing their lies as well. It's impossible for my daughter to want to tell the truth when someones made her an my real truth a lie to start with. I was always honest, there's no confusion, or there shouldn't be. I was a sexually assaulted by a 39 year old when I was 15. My sister married him 4 years later. So I'm this little whore who just wanted a baby. I wanted a new sister, not a baby. He never paid for it, I never talked and she had his back. It was hard on my daughter and myself. So she has a sad story, it's not any worse than 32 foster homes living with no shoes eating snow to survive, like she says. She had someone who wanted her, loved her, cooked for her and shoed her. I never harmed her, she graduated on the honor role with a scholarship and attended university. She was very smart, an overachiever, funny, outgoing, hard worker, and didn't fall in with the wrong crowd. I know I made a lot of mistakes but she was loved. I did the best I could. My only child, I spoiled her. I don't regret anything except not calling her out on her lies. I didn't think it was enabling. I thought she would grow up and want to live honestly. She lied about health issues and I did tell her I worry. I didn't want her butt examined if it's not required. I did get informed when she was 15 she was lying about me and my lifestyle. She promised she wouldn't continue these lies and apologized. It didn't stop, I confronted her at 18 and she hid and moved far away, now she's 38. Now I never even raised her past 4 years old, she says. I should've just left well enough alone and not try to take some responsibility for this. I'm never going to have my daughter back. I'm just hoping this can help my grandchildren, if my daughter gets help.
I hope if my sister, her children and grandchildren hear my perspective that they can grow from it and want to be part of my daughter and grandchildrens life in a healthy way in the future if they like. Everyone needs to be on the same page. I'm not sure that's possible in my family. This is all bigger than me, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Ive got nothing to lose.
thank you for listening x