Idk

To be honest I don’t know what’s wrong with me nowadays. I’ve been feeling depress for years. But I used to think my emotions like why do I feel this way etc. For a long time, My concentration is super poor, I’m super sleepy, my grades fell from A to E. After a break up I went to rock bottom but I managed to got back into average again. Things always happened to me in a group. Like my family mostly. That woman who gave birth to me (I can’t say out the title cuz of my ptsd) she is violent . My childhood memories came back more and more. She’d hit me when I was like 2-3 years of for being naughty, mop me with the mop when I don’t want to drink milk etc etc Apart from her, she also happened to have the only friend who uses spiritual to encourage her violence, but she acted it out.. it was super fake... that woman took a lot of money from me to give her when I came out to work at 15 yo cuz my dad is poor. Didn’t ask them for money until now 21 yo. So it happened when like that woman shouted at me through the phone. I already had nightmares etc. I was already living on my own cuz of a family violence (that woman) two years back. I also bury it and I can managed to feel contented although I bury my depress and negative feelings. Her voice brought back all the nightmares and flashbacks of the incident and I can’t control anymore for the first time. Kept crying everyday and even my boyfriend had a hard time to help me. Fortunately he is very loving and supported me a lot. But he has the normal family so he can’t really relate a lot. Actually no one does. So I’m like dying haha. Going to psychologist soon. I hated it cuz it should be the woman who go. I searched up the symptoms and found that she had persistent depressive disorder, bipolar, and narcissistic disorder. Literally symptoms are alike. My dad can’t even bear to force her to go to see doctor or like use any plans. I have four younger sisters, youngest is 10. Sorry complicated but I just don’t know when the attack will come again. Just like my severe eczema I don’t know when it will flare up again. Gosh