1st time doing therapy. Drowning in work/school
I decided to start therapy today. I have never done anything like this before and I was always scared of therapy. I have been recommended by a doctor multiple times and any time the doctor tries to give me medication i usually end up switching doctors. I have always had a rough past and have been through trauma but now I have a new challenge.
The reason why I'm starting now is because I have come to a new chapter in my life. I work as a fulltime staffing coordinator at a nursing home so work stress has always been there but I was able to manage it well before I enrolled in school fulltime. I am taking my prereqs for nursing school and they are very intense classes with lots of home work and I have to commute and hour and half three days a week to get to school.
I have been staying up for 24-30 hours at least one day a week to try my best to get my school and work completed even while doing that I still can not complete one single task. I am falling behind in work and school and don't have time to clean my house, take care of myself or my animals(6 chicken, 2 rabbits, 2 dogs) or spend time with loved ones and friends. *** I don't even have time to shower more then once a week. I knew it was going to be difficult but I am drowning and I fear I could get demoted at my job and fail my classes. Ultimately becoming a failure at everything I am trying to peruse.
The one thing that makes me truly happy is hiking and being out in nature but I don't have time for that anymore and when I do make time for it. I become very upset and mad that I have to return to society and I just want to scream.
I've always felt I am on the artic ocean and it was froze over slowly trying to make my way to land getting excited thinking that land was in sight but the closer you get it turned out to be a glacier but there was hope at least. Now the ice I was walking on has melted, and you just see the vast nothingness before your eyes that land is nowhere to be seen. Swimming takes more energy but I am still swimming trying to find land but every minute I'm swimming I get more exhausted there is no glimpse of hope. Its harder to find food while your swimming at least on the ice you would run into an opportunity to eat what a polar bear leftover. It takes more energy to do the simple tasks of taking care of yourself while swimming and trying to keep your head above water. Winter is coming and the ice will freeze over again nut this time my journey will end leaving me in the ocean below the ice. Sometimes I wish an orca would come find me and eat me because I will never give up but if something happened I would welcome it because at least if i die a failure and a disappointment, I wouldn't die a coward.
@foragingandfilesorting0109 I am sorry that you are under so much stress. You are trying to do so much, do you think you might be experiencing burn out?
I do not know how you can keep up that pace going one day without sleep can result in exhaustion. Not eating properly and your health can go downhill.
You sound like you are in a dark space because you say you see yourself below the ice and seem to indicate you may be ready to give up.
What adjustments can you make to your workload or your school course so things are more manageable?
If you find yourself in crisis, please seek help and attention. More on that here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zTpWn0FjXG1jf8XB99EBXn591PDQj6t2wdLU9pARsgE/edit
@soulsings I am definitely burnt out. I fear if I lessen my workload that I will get demoted and lose my job and school if I withdraw from a class it puts me behind track to complete nursing school. My boss and I have a plan for me to start training someone to take over my position in Jan and train them until I go into the nursing blocks. I was excelling at my job prior to this and it is a stressful job and we just got a new ED who is cutting our budget and staff overtime but its impossible to make sure the floor is full staffed if they aren't allowed overtime. So I have these impossible problems I try to solve at work. School is my focus because that is what is going to further my career and improve my life but I need to get good grades for that to happen and I can't with how work is. I don't want to mess up the plan for my boss because I don't want her to be disappointed and I don't want her to fire me potentially.
I am in a dark space but I am still swimming and the water hasn't froze over yet but I fear it will soon and that I will be stuck under the ice if it does.
@foragingandfilesorting0109 what about talking to your boss and see what they think could be done. Maybe they could train someone in October. Is it worth a try?
@foragingandfilesorting0109 first of sol thankyou, thankyou so very much. I live in a care home, well it's a old folks nursing home. I'm only 22. And thank God I am lucky enough to be surrounded with heroes just like you ❤what your studying for us also such a beautiful needed thing. I wish there were more people like you. You will never die a failiure or a coward. Because to so many people you are a hero! I didn't realise that studying to be a nurse would be as hard as that. I'm so sorry. But please your health and happiness comes first, you can't put so much time into work and studying, and completely ignore your self care and needs. I don't know how best to advice or help you with all this, I'm so glad your reaching out for help and starting therapy. Good luck sweetie ❤❤ you are a hero thankyou
hi @foragingandfilesorting0109, I hear that you started therapy on top of all of the roles and responsibilities that you might feel overwhelmed in: being a student, being a worker, being an animal parent, being a friend and/or partner.
I wanted to share that you are not alone because I can relate to what you wrote here. I started therapy while I was in my computer science graduate program and working as a full-time job. On top of that, my family relationships were falling apart, fear and anxiety during COVID-19 pandemic, and my relationship with my partner was in turmoil. I had pets that depended on me and I often times neglected myself during this time (such as barely finding time for myself to shower or go for a walk). The good news is that I made it to land and I’m rooting for you too. What worked for me to make it to land was that I had to reprioritize many things during that time in my life because I acknowledged that I couldn’t do everything: it was not humanly possible or not enough hours in the day to make it happen. With the help of my therapist, I worked through my priorities. Then, of my priorities, I put it into a routine or a schedule… I’m a very schedule-oriented person so that has helped. Of the deprioritized items, I tried to figure out a temporary solution (can my partner take over in cooking? Can the pets go over to my in-laws once in a while? Can I ask coworkers for help or delegate tasks on projects?). And it was very important to remind myself that this period is very temporary and not permanent: I’ll eventually be able to catch up with my friends, I’ll eventually be able to spend time with family the way I hope to. It’s okay to be human and not superhuman. I will share one of the reasons I was able to make it to land is because I prioritize my therapy with my therapist. I don’t think I would have been able to make it without them. So what I want to say to you is… you can do it, it might not be what we hoped for, but it might be what we need right now. You can make it to the land!
I meant to say: “It’s okay to be human and not superhuman.”
THanks for the post and the clarification. Edit made according to your direction. soulsings