Can’t escape today

Well today his birthday and sorry *trigger warning* regarding pregnancy and such……….

Also the due date of my first conceived being.

Gahhhh, even after all this time I can’t bring myself to actually believe nor accept or even come to term with this fact that was reality, is reality.

How much my life turned on its head and how much I became things I never thought of as am against and ahhhhh

i still fail and yet fail to fail to grow just continue not continuing infact. I am moving but no where fast and stick on repeat… (only movie moment I’ve got….) “I’m scared of who I am, what I’ve done and most of all I’m scared of never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I am with you”

Gahhhhhhh

it hurts, all of it and especially today

i am nothing and no one to this guy who consumed my world and dare I admit, actually all conceived with.

to want something so much and yet deny such for the better of that which shouldn’t be…..

sorry but this thread is my past that can’t continue to hold my future.., lost more of self and struggling to return. Ice is freezes the soul.