things feel weird this year already

i don’t know what exactly i’m feeling right now but i think this puts it well- i’m addicted to opiates. more specifically codeine. it started when i was at the hospital and they gave me some for a severe toothache i had. i’d never quite gotten the whole thing of drugs, especially because my body is sensitive to anything that goes in it, but codeine has had nothing but wonders to me. i don’t think i’ve ever felt so normal in my life. i have autism so my mind usually goes a million miles an hour trying to make sense of a lot of things but everything just quietened down a bit. my girlfriend and i were in the phone after i’d taken some and we were laughing the whole time and i got the best sleep of my life. it made me feel so good that i was scared of what it would lead me to. after that, i hadn’t touched it. that is, until a few weeks before christmas when my tooth started hurting again. my mom has a big selection of medication so undoubtedly i knew she had some and so i asked if i could take some. i got handed 2 tablets. and yet again, the same thing happened. i got a dizzy, warm drowsy feeling and i loved the sense of my eyelids dropping as i built my lego. it was incredible. from then on, i’ve taken it every day.

that is, until i went to my girlfriends house. the days there were fine (around 2 nights) but when i got back home i had the shivering paranoid sickly feeling. i’m scared that i’ve gone too far now and i’m just looking for reassurance that it’s gonna be okay. i’m a 19 year old guy so no one around me really knows and i know the withdrawals from this isn’t like that of a long term user, but it is freaking me out. it’s 4:30am here and i’m so restless. the worst part is is i don’t even know if i can call myself addicted or if my ‘addiction’ really counts. i don’t know. but what i do know is that *** around and finding out is never fun. i knew what i was doing and i understand the consequences. i hope everyone is doing well and has had a happy new year !