The Power of Believing
I had a bit of a challenging childhood and adolescence. My family went through a lot of hard times. My parents and other caregivers had gone through their own difficulties throughout life and had less resources to help me navigate life.
Fortunately, in high school and college, I came across a number of mentors. I outlined some of that here. These folks challenged, encouraged, and, most importantly, they believed in me. They saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. Through many conversations, I gradually began to believe what they could see in me.
I went on to do a lot of social impact work over the years. Sometimes this was with populations that were homeless, other times in addiction settings, with kids that had “behavior problems,” in faith communities, hospitals, and, most recently, on the Internet.
I have attempted to carry forward what my mentors did with me into all these other settings and with the people I have worked to help over the years. Part of this is validating the person and helping them understand that their life makes sense when you zoom out and look at it from beginning to end. See this mistakes post. Part of it is genuinely liking the person - seeing them as a unique person with gifts and talents - and enjoying the conversation wherever it goes. We know when someone likes us and that feeling helps us grow. That old saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” captures this.
Another part of this involves helping the person better understand their life’s purpose or calling. To help them begin to answer - Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? We highlight this process in our culture guide, especially this section:
If you can help a person see where they have come from, see where they are now, and begin to forecast a trajectory of where they might end up, then I think that helps them become more able to believe in themselves.
Part of what we do on 7 Cups is that we believe in the best for the other person. It means helping them envision a picture where they meet their goals and have a fulfilling life. It involves helping them understand that the dark times will end and that there will be light and life on the other side. It means picking them up when they are down and reminding them that they can indeed get through it. It can involve big things like helping someone move or little things like helping someone take that next step in front of them and then celebrating when they do take that next step.
Good group therapy involves imagining a ball of string. The therapist's job is to help the group build a sort of spider web by passing the ball around the group. They say things like, “can anyone else identify with what Maddy is going through?” The words of kindness, symbolized by the ball of yarn being woven across the group, sent back and forth build a sort of compassionate belief system where group members begin to lift one another up and champion one another.
And that is what we do on 7 Cups! When you pick up that chat, you are saying, I believe in you. I am rooting for you. I know that there is a brighter future for you and I will walk with you for this next leg of the journey to help you get there. These conversations add up. Believing in another person helps their internal fire grow a little stronger. Each conversation gives the person a little more courage to believe in themselves. It makes it easier to take that next step forward.
My hope in this post is that we see that we already believe in one another and then take steps to strengthen that belief. Believing in others also helps us believe in ourselves. Lisa shared this Gandhi quote, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Believing in the other person helps our members, listeners, and leaders grow. When we believe what is best for one another, we help make it a reality.
A few questions to consider (no need to answer any or all of them unless you’d like to...just thoughts to consider):
- Has someone believed in you? If yes, how did it impact you? How did it feel?
- What do you wish they would have known about how they helped you?
- Have you believed in someone else? How did you know it was helpful?
- What can we learn from your experiences in how we can better believe in others?
Yes! Someone believed in me. Along time ago, my grandpa was just kind to me. I had a history teacher that used to brighten my day. From these experiences, I was able to hold on and believe in myself when the people I surrounded myself with did not have good intentions for me. I wish they would have known how much their small acts of kindness helped instill a brighter future for me today. I believe in others everyday (my children, my husband, people here on 7 cups). They let me know how I have helped them with actions, or words, or even changes I can see in them. I know that by extending love, kindness, respect and acceptance we can learn and grow together.
@BeautifulSun298501, wow what a beautiful response! I love your emphasis on the small things. How they gave you hope and instilled that confidence in you even when others couldn't clearly see you. And delighted that you believe in your family, friends, and people here on 7 Cups. Does believing in them shape your level of hope for yourself and others?
@GlenM
Oh yes, I have so sincerely believed in a few family members and friends who never let me down. The most steadfast of them was my dad and an uncle who were my Rock of Gibraltar and the wind beneath my wings !!!
Several people have unstintingly believed in me too. I was there for them through thick and thin and unwaveringly...
Both ways made a huge difference in my life and reinforced my Attitude of Gratitude.
Thanks so much Glen for sharing a leaf from your life.
@GlenM
- Has someone believed in you? If yes, how did it impact you? How did it feel?
people all around me have and still believed in me. UwU but I find the majority of these such wonderful people are actually here on cups. 😀 and the kindness of people has always made my day. 😀
- What do you wish they would have known about how they helped you?
That I appreciate every little thing, it’s the small things that matter to me (:
- Have you believed in someone else? How did you know it was helpful?
I believe in those all around me. :) it doesn’t matter who they are or where they come from, everyone deserves to be believed in.
- What can we learn from your experiences in how we can better believe in others?
😀 I would say finding faith in something goes a long way. (: I like the quote “all you need is faith, trust and a little bit of pixie dust”.
😊
@emotionalTalker2260 thanks for sharing! I didn't know what UwU meant and had to look it up. I've learned something :).
I like the theme in this thread on how the small things matter and stack up. What is particularly good about that is that small things are way easier to do than hard things. There is an idea called the 80/20 rule. 20% of the things have 80% of the impact. It seems like the small things have 80% of the impact +++ they are easy to do. That is a very good win/win situation and makes me think about ways we might help one another by doing more small things.
And totally agree on the awesome people on 7 Cups. We are fortunate to have a community brimming with the most empathic folks on the planet. That is a topic for another post!
@GlenM
:) even I learnt something new, I didn’t know that small things made such a big impact but know I know. 😀
@GlenM
A heartwarming post!
Yes, it's nice when people believe in me, but I find it also... scary 😀 Regardless of what, I want them to know it means a lot 💜
In listening, whether, in 1-1 or groups, I believe that to start with believing in other people is essential as long as no boundaries are crossed.
Even If, worse comes to worst, someone is willing to waste their time to create and tell lies, it just means they truly need support and kindness. Is that makes sense?
Hi, @ouiCherie! You post definitely makes sense! I can also definitely relate! There are many people in my life who have crossed boundaries like the one you mentioned above. I think, for me, the trick was supporting those people who needed it most without hurting myself. Sometimes, because they are our family or friends we can feel a sense of obligation toward them. How can we practice support and kindness with others, while also doing the same for ourselves?
@BeautifulSun298501
Ahh... You said it better 💜
I think having our boundaries clear would help? If the line is blurred, then it becomes harder to know when to stop. What do you think, Sun?
Does anyone have other ideas on how to believe in others and stay kind without hurting ourselves in the process?
@ouiCherie the analogy of people having their own weather systems is good here I think. Some people are really stormy and it is easy to "catch" their weather and participate in negative self-talk in a way that might be similar to how they treat us. Other people are sunny and calm. We naturally feel good around them and uplifted. One part of having good boundaries is understanding the weather system of the other person.
If you know the other person has less resources and is unlikely to be able to see you and value you, then I think it is okay to go into that relationship with less personal expectations. You know it is going to be a help-giving relationship. You are there for them to move them forward and it is unlikely that making any sort of "ask" from them will yield good results. In this situation, it is okay to say okay I am signing up to provide this much help and try to quantify it in some manner. I'll have a 30 minute conversation with this person and then I'm going to move on for example. And that is absolutely okay to do.
If the person keeps asking for more, then it is also okay to dial back exposure to them. My daughter had some friends that were subtly insulting her. We visualized all her friends as circles. The people that were positive - we made their circles bigger and we pulled them closer to her. The people that were deliberately negative - we made their circles smaller and moved them further away.
Frequency of words is one way to measure how big or little a person's circle is and how close or far they are to you. A lot of words, then they are likely bigger and closer. Less words - phone, emails, text - then the smaller they will get and the further away they will go.
@GlenM
Ahh... yes, ofcourse 🙂 learned those on LDP & QLP.
Aware of the other person's weather system, having our boundaries & expectations clear from the start, and the big and small circles to make the difference easier to see. (I think I'll tell my daughter this too xD)
To be aware and mindful needs lots of practice tho... For me, at least hehe... Great tips, Glen! Thank you 💜
@ouiCherie thank you for these thoughts! Yes, I agree it can be scary. I think in part the person doing the believing in the other person has to express that they accept and believe in the person where they are on the path of life. An old mentor said, "People are like plants. You have to water them where they are." The key idea was to see and value people for where they are in life and to underline that that makes sense and is important to see. Having too high of expectations on one another can definitely limit growth and I don't think that is a good idea. Much better to champion a person where they are at and help them take that next step forward.
And definitely on the good boundaries front. Good boundaries are key. We do not have to be naïve or let people walk over us. We can be confident, strong, and believe in people without allowing them to take advantage of us full stop.
You bring up an interesting point for when a person might be lying or being deliberately manipulative. I think it is okay to have permission to see past those behaviors and believe in the underlying goodness of that person to help them move forward. Sometimes the lies are there as a sort of bait. I always tell my kids "don't pick up the rope." The goal being to walk past the lies and manipulations - to simply step over them - without getting distracted by them. Not easy, but ultimately a good strategy for your own piece of mind and a grace to the person that may be consciously - or unconsciously - attempting to manipulate, lie, or hurt others.
A lot of wisdom and guidance, and strategy in these posts! Great job! I feel empowered!💪
@GlenM
That's a compassionate and supportive point of view. Well noted.
Agree. To choose to walk past the rope brings peace of mind 😁
@ouiCherie it takes a little practice. If you find yourself picking up the rope, you can also just gently put it down and walk away :)
@GlenM
Just gently put down the rope and walk away.
No need to continue & possibly make it even worse, or go on self-blame. Got it Capt! 😀💜
@GlenM
Hi Glen! 😊❤️ Thank you for yet again, another amazing forum post! First I should thank you for "being the example"! For me, it's a beautiful moment to see our founder come forward, being so very humble, authentic and vulnerable. Strength comes in many forms and the way I see things, that is true strength! You are showing the courage to share with us, parts of you, parts of your life, explain to all of us what helped to form you, shape you, for better or for worse. For me I see this as truly brilliant. The things you wrote give people hope for a better tomorrow. It's a good example for all of us, to come here on 7 cups and just "put it all down".
Walking around in life for some can feel like carrying a load of bricks. Lots of them, bricks on one shoulder and bricks on the other. It feels good to put the bricks down, now doesn't it? It does take time to unload the bricks, sometimes, one by one, but if done, it feels so very good!
The cracks in all of us, once we finally recognize them, can be the place where the light can finally get in! Being vulnerable and genuine, just as you are doing, is yet another opportunity to fill yourself with the light! ❤️ And your forum posts are showing others that it's okay to do so! 😊
I truly love how you have taken the negatives and turned them into positives. There can be beauty in your ashes! Clearly, this has become your fire! This has been your fuel to keep those fires burning! I have a deep respect for your lifes work. You have turned it all inside out, upside down and you are fighting the good fight. It's been hard, but you are giving purpose, meaning to the struggles and maybe even a lot of dignity to all of it! It wasn't all for nothing. I hope you remain as a Phoenix! You have taken your personal pain and turned it all into a way for others to find help and support!
I too liked the comment you made about "celebrating". For me, it's important for all of us to celebrate our victories and with one another. I'm the first one to get up in there, see it, acknowledge it, and celebrate it with my cohorts!
I liked the title of your forum post. Believing. It's a concept that is splattered all over my profile page here as a listener. I wrote it, I meant it. Every word. I have never detracted a statement, removed a comment, only simply adding some things to my profile page as time has gone on. I look at my very own profile page at least once a week. These are the commitments I made to 7 cups as well as myself. Can I still keep those commitments? Reading it is a recharge for me, reminding myself and asking myself if I can still have the integrity that I promised to have.
The power of believing is amazing. One of my mantra's around here is that you only need one person to believe in you to be great! If you have more, even better and I will find more people if need be to direct traffic, help and support. Believing in others also requires the power of positive affirmations. If you tell someone they are bad, they will be bad. If you tell someone they are great, they will be great! ❤️ I believe in all of us! I refuse to underestimate anyone around here.
I too had a bit of a challenging childhood and adolescence. I had others that did believe in me. There were great people that stepped in along the way. These are people that I will never forget as they helped to form, shape me in positive ways even though it wasn't their responsibility to do so. No wee bit of kindness is ever lost on me! It was quite impactful!
What do I wish they would have known about how they helped you? As for me, I went back in time and contacted these people. I expressed my gratitude as an adult in a way a little child wasn't able to. I also went back as an adult and expressed gratitude with others that helped me, mentored me as a young adult.
Have you believed in someone else? Yes of course! I have done so in real life as well as here on 7 cups! How did you know it was helpful? The proof is in the pudding! I have seen others propelled towards greatness. Happy to stand and bask in their glow. One example, as small, simple, minor as it might seem, I know in my heart I can never change my dp/profile pic/avatar. I have been told so by quite a few of my teammates. If I'm not around and they need to feel positivity, feel as if someone is helping them to fill up their very own cup once their "well has run dry", I have been told they will click on my profile, just stare at the dp. It brings hope, joy, makes them think of the things I have said to them prior that were helpful 😊❤️
What can we learn from your experience in how we can better believe in others? Not sure. No one ever deposited the truth scrolls with me. Maybe the Nike slogan "just do it"! The best I can say is that none of us can do this alone. Just as in real life, it's best to hold hands, look both ways and cross the street together!
*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs*❤️ for your incredibly thoughtful forum post!
@SparkyGizmo Thanks Sparky for those encouraging words! Your thoughts on being broken, healing, and getting stronger remind me of the Japanese art of Kintsugi. Here is a good article for any one interested. The idea is that the cracks in us are not something to be ashamed of, but are rather markers of growth - a part of our pottery - that ultimately becomes stronger than it would be without the cracks.
I'm also a big fan of Naseem Taleb and his concept of being antifragile. The idea being that we get a lot stronger through being banged up in life - it ultimately makes us more adaptive, flexible, and able to gain from challenges.
Thanks for being such a source of encouragement and support around here. You boost a lot of people up and I very much think that matters. It helps people grow and it is very real. As you said, the proof is in the pudding.
And very cool idea on thanking those that looked out for you when you were younger. I did something similar with a gratitude exercise. Any recommendations that others can follow if they too want to thank people that helped them along the way?
@GlenM
Thank you Glen! 😊❤️ I'm really glad that you enjoyed my thought process! ❤️
I really must say also, that I love how you just dropped some of those links! It's so amazing to see your thought process as well. How you have drawn strength from inter disciplinary constructs. It seems as if you have been open to create your own spirituality, growth and belief system as I too have done. There is goodness in all of it!
Might surprise you but some of my strength around here does come from the 7 cups core values that you created. I clicked on the links that you provided and am able to back track and see your integrity and where of some of the 7 cups core values may have come from! I might be right, I might be wrong, but this is what I see......
Anti fragile *grow through the path of the problem*
Have a lot of patience and be able to take the punches. Everyone is different but as for me, yes I've taken a lot of punches around here, some times I have felt as if I have had the stuffing beat out of me, lol. Have a high tolerance for failure. For me, this means fall down, get up, fall down, get up. There is more to be said about how we get back up than how we fell down! 😊
Those things resonate with me and bring me back to another core value *true grit* Just get back up, get your head back in the game! Going to be a hero or a zero? We all have a choice.
I too may have been a Phoenix in real life or here on this site day to day. Crash, burn, just rise back up. tenacity, *true grit* embrace *true grit* perhaps all of the rest will follow?
Any recommendations that others can follow if they too want to thank people that helped them along the way?
Glen, thank you for asking me 😊
For me, I feel as if life is short. Tomorrow is promised to none of us. If you have something nice to say, say it now! If you can reach out, say something kind, you may never know what that it will do for someone else! You never know what another person is going through. Being kind is the best default.
You may feel as if you are in a subordinate role and "who am I to give you positive affirmations". It's okay, at least you will know that you did it! ❤️
If it's a real life situation and you have lost connections, perhaps journal, write a thank you letter to them. You know you did it, you know you had a gratitude moment. You sent it out to the universe for them to hear. It will make you feel good to have the gratitude moment as well!
And in conclusion, we are able to nominate others for badges by going to their profile pages under their current badges, orange button for "nominate for a new badge" as well as a variety of forum places here on the site to appreciate one another ❤️
Gift giving society. Keep passing the gifts! The magic happens around here every day. Either we look for it or we create it! Abracadabra! 👍❤️😊
@SparkyGizmo glad to hear the values resonate with you! I think many of them naturally surface through the community as well. I love our people and think we are naturally aligned in a lot of ways.
And great point on us having one shot at life (as far as we know) and that it is better to go ahead and say the kind words or take the next step, because, indeed, tomorrow is not promised. Wise words :)
@GlenM
😊❤️👍
@GlenM
Hi Glen! 😊❤️ It's nice to see your forum post coming back up on my screen. Came back up as a notification and for me to see these things are good things.
For some reason, reading your words again today, specifically what you said "take the next step" because tomorrow is never promised to us, really brought a couple of thoughts to mind?
The first one is "unless you ask, the answer will always be no". Put it out there, ask! You never even know how the universe could be working in your favor? But it does take courage. By the simple ask, what is it that any of us as people have to loose? You ask, maybe the answer will be no, shut down. But at least you know now! You will know, it will be done, over with and then it free's up your mind your heart and your soul to move forward to maybe more productive things? Free's up the energy and use your creativity to now pivot and turn and hit your groove spot for bigger and better things.
The second concept that came to mind is just what I call "feel the fear" for lack of better words. What is the worst that could happen? Sometimes it's good to sit in that space, eyes closed, quiet room, sitting down, alone. Imagine it all in a safe place. Go ahead, in a safe place, imagine the worst that could happen, think it, feel it, maybe even let it scare you. And after the time has passed and gave it all it's rightful place, you open your eyes. Ahhhh, I'm still here, I'm still okay. The monster isn't at my front door and the monster isn't even in my living room!
You've already faced it in your mind and seen the worst of outcomes and you knew you were still okay in the end. Again, Nike slogan "just do it" 😊❤️👍
Nothing ventured.........nothing gained................
@SparkyGizmo Definitely agree with these thoughts! A CBT technique for those who struggle with anxiety is to imagine - what is the worst that could happen? If you are okay with that or can be come okay with that outcome, then it gives you a lot more courage to move forward. It has to be real acceptance though. A related idea is the stoic practice of negative visualization - you imagine all the possible things that could go wrong and then that helps you be REALLY thankful for all the good stuff that is happening.
And great points on things sometimes working out even when the odds are long. You definitely do not give life the opportunity to surprise you if you don't take the risks!
I love this! You really bring home something that came to mind while reading this: You are your greatest asset! This is wonderful to know you can do it, it is even better when others lift us up while we lift ourselves, too! Great Post!
@GlenM thank you for sharing this insightful post! I love how 7 Cups has a strong system of lifting one another up, supporting all sort of ideas, as well as the mentoring magic that happens in many different ways.
Having other people believe in us helps us believe in ourselves, increases our confidence, and helps us combat any doubts. I know that sometimes we all need people who understand us, can guide us, as well as celebrate our journey.
I would say that taking a genuine interest in each other's interests, goals, as well as any possible context, can help us appreciate how we all go through challenges yet are striving. This level of support helps extend a branch of support connected by the power of believing, invites sharing any progress or setbacks, and at the end of the day, helps us celebrate each other.
Bro really spittin'
Well said, void!
صes,My brothers believed in me,and they felt that there was something in me that was different from others. It was the unlimited love for all people, regardless of their gender and color.I really believe in myself🌱when i find members in 7cups they believe in me and give me appreciation and love for them. Iam confident that i will reach everything i aspire to💜God willing💜
A friend I found on here (listener) saw the value in me as a person when the non existent self worth I had , along with extreme hurt I already felt, was compounded by the intense pain of what a couple other people did to me on top of that had been reeling so bad I almost couldn’t think straight. That one friend was the rope I had to hold on to when it would have been so easy to let go…
@GlenM
Very good @GlenM. I honor you for all the energy you invest in us. I think you're like a tree bearing fruit 12 times a year.
From Helga - the one who struggles for/with her life.
