Hello....(possible trigger)
Hello all,
I am a 47-year-old woman with a long list of issues that have lead me here.
I am the adult child of a workaholic father and an alcoholic mother. Honestly I don't remember a time when I didn't deal with anger with a physical attack on myself. As a young child (4 or so) I would bang my head repeatedly on walls when I was overwhelmed. As I got older when I was in an intense emotinoal state (anger, sadness, confusion) I would claw my hands and scratch my arms and hands hard enough to draw blood. In high school I fractured my hands numerous times by punching walls, usually brick ones. At 16 I found myself a statistic (16 and pregnant), gave up the baby for adoption but 4 months later my sister gave birth to my niece who I basically raised while she was at work and after work she used to go drinking with her coworkers instead of coming home. Then she got married but still expected that I would be her free babysitter whenever they went out and of course our mother never asked if I had time it was just expected that I would go and look after the kids (she had 5 kids between the ages of 19 and 26) when she "needed" me (this was usually so her and her hubby could go out tot he bars and go dancing).
I have gone years between self-harm incidents but on Monday felt so overwhelmed by it all I took one of my pins for blocking my knitting and scratched the hell out of my forearm with it. Don't really remember doing it but looking at some of the scatches it looks like I tried to write "DIE" and then scratch it off. Part of the issues are we have had an unplanned pregnancy announced (going to be a grandparent in the new year), my dad had a car accident and then was taken to hospital a couple of weeks later and diagnosed with bronchits and some of his other health issues are also flaring. He lives with my sister and I feel like I do nothing for him. I rarely see him as he still works and I hate to disturb his routine. I really don't know how to be close to anyone. My husband of 27 years has done his best to weather these storms with me but he doesn't really understand and I don't know how to explain it. It is a cycle of doing okay, to a bunch of small stresses coming up making me anxious and then I will be fine but it is like a snowball and about once every year or 2 it boils over and I become moody, broody, past focused and overall tank my own self-esteem by telling myself things I would NEVER say to another human being about my worth, my intelligence and my overall attractiveness to others. I have no real life friends, I have my husband and my children. I learned very young not to rely on my sister who is emotionally manipulative and also has her own mental disorders, or my father who is a kind man, was very stoic and I felt emotionless and wondered why I couldn't be like him. Calm, kind, focused, but wanted to be more available than he was (growing up if I wanted to see him I went to his workshop in the backyard as he worked from home and at another job 8 hours a day, later found out he was working so hard to support my mother's alcoholism as he didn't really clue in to where the money went just that they were always short).
I am fairly new to 7cups and don't really know what to expect but I have to learn new coping mechanisms before I do something incredibly stupid or dangerous (in writing this I never realized I had been using pain as a way to express intense emotion for 90% of my life). I do not have a therapist (can't really afford one) and I have a brand new family doctor and I am not sure how to approach him about these issues without feeling like I am a complete and total mess. I have always felt that emotions were my enemy and always tried to hide/deny them. Even happiness seems like a useless thing to me.
Thanks for listening.
@wittyEyes6543
Hello there, welcome on 7cups and on the self-harm recovery community!
Thank you for sharing your story with us, it sounds like you had and have to deal with a lot. Were all heart with you, and if we can help in any way, please let us know, dont hesitate to reach out to discuss things. Also, I want to say that Im proud of you for reaching out as its not always an easy thing, and I hope we can all be able to support you.
You mentioned having to learn new coping mechanisms, which sounds like a very good plan! Other coping mechanisms can be great alternatives to self-harm and really helpful to deal with hard times. Id like to share some resources that could be useful for you: here is a page gathering several resources (guides, alternatives, and so on) and here is a list of alternatives to self-harm, sorted by emotions (ideas of alternatives for when you feel angry, for when you feel numb, for when you feel sad, and so on). Feel free to check them out if you're feeling like it, and again, don't hesitate to message me or anyone in the community for more resources or if you need to let things out.
I really hope this all can be helpful! Take care x
~ Waves
Hi there @wittyEyes6543! I am really happy to see you have managed to navigate the boards and arrive here safely from the 35+ community :)
As I wrote on your other post, you are going through a lot and it is very understandable your sense of being overwhelmed. I am proud of you for reaching out for support and for your determination of feeling better.
There are a couple of things you wrote that I think are very important for you and your recovery process: pain as a mean to express and deal with emotions, and the pull towards hiding and denying emotions. This awareness is a crucial step that will help you identifying better coping mechanisms. I will upload a picture that you may hopefully find useful.
Emotions and feelings are never useless, you know... they come for a reason, they bring us a message, and if we deny or hide them they will just keep coming back until we are ready to fully listen to them. I would encourage you to try and slowly recognise them, name them, allowe them to be there with you. And if you start feeling overwhelmed, try and ground yourself, bring your attention to the present moment, to your senses, to your surroundings. I don't know if you are familiar with mindfulness techniques, but they can really help. I would be more than happy to share some of them with you if you are interested.
As for more specific alternatives to SH, waves has already given you a couple of links you can have a look to.
Do not hesitate to reach out for support. If there is anything I or we can do for you, just ask 
Thank you @LinearWaves for the links, a couple seem to broken on the list (404 errors) but I have found some good material in the other links that is bringing some of my CBT lessons into a more clear focus.
Thank you @admaiorasemper. The image is good with suggestions on what to do instead. May need to print it off and put it somewhere I can access easiy. I know emotions can be helpful and good but I have spent my whole life plastering a smile on my face and pretending everything is fine (some childhood pictures I look very angry in and it is simply because I was forced to wear clothes I hated and go places where all I was allowed to do was sit and be quiet [I had colouring books and drawing materials or books, if we played with toys it had to be in silence], I was a child among a generation who believed children should only be seen and never heard). I feel like I wear a mask now and that the mask cannot be removed without damage and I am afraid of losing everything including my husband's and my children's love and respect if I change now. (I know this is probably an irrational fear but it does keep me from saying anything because in the past I have said so much that I regret because I waited until I was in a downward spiral before I spoke up and things I said didn't come out the way I intended).
@wittyEyes6543
I just wanted to say that I think I understand you way more than words can express. There is so much of your experience that resonates with mine... Children should only be seen and not heard: what a journey into the past.
It is fine not feeling fine. Life cannot possibly be full of only smiles and happiness...
I get what you say about wearing a mask. And I get what you say about a possible damage if you remove it. But this mask has been depriving your skin of light for such a long time. Damage is already there, and it is what is bothering you... Your skin is itching below the mask. It cannot tolerate it any longer. You are having an allergic reaction. By removing the mask, you will eventually see your skin healing and glowing. It will take time, and it will not be easy. But it is worth it…