why am i like this???

tw: depressing vent ***??

i thought my depression was getting better after taking meds and not cutting for 4 months but now i have relapsed this week and i'm almost cutting everyday whenever i feel a bad emotion. even back when i was hospitalised for my depression I only seldom self harmed and very lightly. but now i feel like i need it to live or feel alive, i need it to regulate my explosive emotions and moods. this month i feel so irritable at everything and everyone. i can't stop over sleeping during the day because of the overwhelming thoughts from the past and the numbness i feel. i've tried other self harm alternatives like snapping a rubber band against my wrist but it doesn't subdue the emotional pain like cutting does. when i cut the cuts are like a visible representation of my mental pain that I can see and it validates the mental pain i've suffered from. i've thought of talking to someone or therapy but i really don't have the energy to let out my feelings and it's so exhausting, it always feels like my soul is being sucked out of my body when i do. im on the verge of quitting my job and everything else, when im working im miserable, when im not working im even more miserable. im so sick of this world and im so sick of living in it. i've tried so hard for so long to overcome all of this pain for years but im so tired of battling this overwhelming sadness everyday. i'm so pathetic i wish i was someone else, seriously this is why no one likes me, and it doesn't even get better, everyone is better than me and I'll always have this disgusting part of myself, i feel like my soul is dirty, i'm such a nuisance, i wish i was punished more for being the way i am. i don't deserve any good things at all