*TW* Can't stop thinking about it *TW*

I have been pretty much clean for nearly 4 years now, i had a tiny relapse with one individual cut about 2 and a half years ago but other than that it's been a while. I thought it was gone but recently, I'd say over the last few months, the urges have been getting worse and worse and I just have this thought that if I let it all out everything will be so much better. The thoughts are definitely more intense/frequent when im stressed, I have identified that. But whenever I close my eyes now I picture stabbing myself in the leg, or the arm, or dragging blades and I just I want to so bad. All I keep doing is digging my nails into myself trying to use a none permanent way kinda thing but I don't know how much longer I can hold it off and I guess I'm just worried when I spend a night without my boyfriend that ill do something worse. Any help is appreciated x