Rely on SH as an Emotional Outlet, but Don't Have the Option

Hey all 😊👋🏼

I'm currently feeling stuck. I've been self-harming via cutting for maybe 3 years now. It's never been a huge problem for me--I am lucky as self-harmers go (lol) in that any damage and scarring has been very minimal, and I'm not addicted to it. I regularly go months at a time without relapsing. But I do rely on it as a coping mechanism and emotional outlet, and I'm not ready to give it up.

And that's what's got me stuck. Last night, my boyfriend and I had a discussion about our relationship, and while it went fine and we were emotionally honest with each other about our experiences + expectations, it left me feeling rattled. I kept feeling waves of anxiety afterwards that he will leave me; that we're incompatible.

This isn't a rational response on par with where we are and what we discussed, but some of these thoughts keep feeding into themselves and making the feelings worse. I don't have very many people I feel comfortable enough with to confide in; usually my bf is my #1 confidant lol. I wish this was more of a choice, and less because I don't really have anyone else lol. But I hate to depend so much on someone for my social and emotional needs, which I'm responsible for fulfilling outside of just our relationship, and I hate to be burdensome. It's not fair on his end either to be one of my only emotional outlets, so I try to avoid relying on him excessively.

I am hesitant to talk to him about this, although I guess I probably should. Still working that out. But I haven't really released any of this tension yet still and it's fucking me up. I got urges all day today, and I successfully staved them off and self-soothed and got myself out of the pit. But the feelings kept coming back in waves, and I was all bottled-up and exhausted, so I decided to relapse.

But the thing is, I couldn't even "enjoy" it. It was some release finally directing that energy somewhere. I made 3 very small, very shallow cuts on my thigh. But wherever I cut, he'll be able to see it. So I had to stop early and my brain still feels all scrambly 😵‍💫 He knows that I've self-harmed and has said please talk to him if I ever feel that way. But I'm not ready to. Haven't talked about it much outside of that though, so if he were to see any cuts I'd have to talk about self harming on top of the initial feelings, and I am not ready to open that can of worms lol (the SH).

I just feel unsure of what to do about my anxious feelings. I feel the right thing to do would be honest and discuss things with him again. But I don't want to be burdensome in the process, and I'm not sure if I can do that without getting myself regulated first. But I'm not sure how to do that either! If I wait it out, is that being accepting of my emotions or avoiding them? lol. I am sure some of these boundaries are created by my own mind. But I feel obligated to follow them nonetheless.