TW: Sh relapse...
tw:
last night was rough for me. ace got really, really mad at me and he started to 'close off the exits.' he basically 'muted' the other headmates and cornered me, per-se. he started saying that i didn't matter, that without him, i was nothing, that he got me through when life was horrible, that i was a misstake, a liability to myself.
I tried to fight him as best i could. i tried breathing exercises, grounding, petting my cat, crying....it didn't work. i felt like i wasn't real. none of it was real and the walls were closing in. i had a panic attack and started shaking. i hallucinated that...well...someone...who's done...bad things...was coming and knocking on my door. i panicked, and asked ace to help me.
he just laughed at my lack of control and taunted me. i hazily remember getting a knife from the kitchen and sharpening it for a few minutes. then i sliced and cut my thighs. the blood running down my legs calmed me, and made me feel as if i were back in control. ace praised me...i hate myself for loving his toxic ways...
i retreated back into the mind and he took control, cleaning the cuts and bandaging them. we didn't say anything to our parents...and they think i am fine..
i'm not fine, i'm not okay, i'm not human, i'm not alright
its too f*^$! loud in my head!
i'm sorry,
callie -💛
@bluesheepfriend
You are enough. You have value. You are worthy of love and respect.
When others tell you differently, this is something inside THEM, not inside you, allowing themselves to say those hurtful things. It is so sad to hear that another human is finding joy in your suffering. I wish you joy and comfort and peace as you work toward embracing the goodness that is inside you. I hope that one day the words of others will become meaningless, and your weapon will be the knowledge that they are wrong, and you are worthy.
