Sh, Alcohol, numb, ed

Hi. So I haven't been doing to good I thought I was getting better but turns out I was just distracting myself and ignoring the truth. My sh is back and it's not good, I suffer with eating (under eating/starving) I only eat 1000 calories or less and I can't eat anything without checking the calories (I'm 16, 17 in like 6 weeks) I know I need more calories for my body to have energy and stuff but I just can't, my body dysmorthia is getting really bad which makes it alot worse.

I've recently gone back to drinking alcohol when things get way to much and when I feel like I've hit rock bottom and can't survive, but it's not good because if my mom finds out she's going to have a go at me and I can't deal with her, she doesn't understand and when I try to explain she either pushes it away or makes me feel worse or takes it the wrong way and then I'm the bad person. I can't deal with that and the pressure she puts on me. I'm supposed to set a good example for me younger brother but I've recently found out he's been self harming not badly but it's still sh and I feel like I've failed as a sister.

I genuinely feel so broken, numb, empty and just done. What's the point in trying anymore when I always fall back into sh sooner or later family and friends won't be a good enough reason to stay.. I don't know what to do.

In a good note I absolutely LOVE straykids (k-pop band) their music and skz code genuinely makes me so happy, it's saved my life many times. Wish I had the money to go to their concert lol ð¥²