I'm trying to hold on

TW for self harm and self injurious behavior. Please be advised.

I'm trying to hold on, trying not to hurt myself or seek out unhealthy and self-destructive coping skills, but sometimes it's hard. It's like I feel a deep, gnawing sense of emptiness. I am working through the emotion, rather than just pushing away what I'm feeling. I know where upsetting me right now, and I know what's going on in my life. My therapist may not really understand, but I do. I know that I want to cope with the pain in a way that's familiar to me, a way that feels comfortable to me (in the moment) because it's like I'm gaining a sense of control over the pain. But I know it leads to more pain in the long run. Much, much deeper pain than I'm even feeling now. I can mitigate this by directly acting on what's hurting me right now. Self-harm is a displacement, it's a way to act on the pain and do something about it that gives me a sense of control, safety, and comfort. But so would directly acting on it. In this case, I'm combatting the sense of helplessness that leads to self-harm by doing what I can to heal from the grief and heartbreak I'm facing in my life, processing the feelings and sense of injustice done to me, and speaking directly into the pain, instead of dodging it with coping skills that don't work. I will overcome this, but God, I need Your help. Because right now, I legitimately feel tempted to self-harm.