I just don’t understand

I’ve been on and off self-harming since I was 11, I’m now 25. But I just don’t understand how I can go months and months without even thinking about self-harming and other times, it’s all I can think about for weeks, whether I cut or not, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I also don’t understand my logic with cutting, like I hate doing it but I like looking at the cuts and having them there, I feel kinda naked without cuts on me. I have a small handful of scars but they don’t satisfy me like fresh cuts do to look at.

Am I the only one that feels like this?