Hidden self harm??

The moment I was unwilling escorted to hospital due to a severe attempt that put no effort into hiding my actions, everything has become so covert as not doing so undermines the ultimate goal so I’ve learned. Am I the only person like this? Does anyone take pleasure and intend to create such a wreckage in their lives because the potential guilt along with a perfectly destroyed life in every aspect give the easiest excuse for justification of actions, making going back more unfavourable that what you already faced fuels courage…. Curious if anyone has ever been here or is it just me…