My Diary
221117
Mood: 
3/10
Today I woke up feeling numb and I feel a ball of worry in the pit of my stomach. I try to distract myself on 7 Cups as well as listen to some music on Youtube. The music, although usually calm and soothing were like annoying noises to my ears. I stopped it and chat with some people in the chatroom. I continue Googling for random stuff to keep my mind off things.
I have been feeling low for 3 weeks now, I guess, continuously, since I escaped from the Depression fog that plagued me. Now, I am back, and I realised nothing could make me happy, nothing in this world at all. I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't like me. I didn't like my life or the family I was born into. Yes, I know there are many more unfortunate people who grew up without parents, who have to visit shelters one after another. I know many children were born with criminal parents, alcoholic and drug addicts, I should count my blessings for not being born that way.
Life. Life felt so meaningless to me now. If I continue, distracting myself, I might live for another 10 years and find myself in the depths of despair when my youth was spent struggling in depression. Even when you breathe, wake up, shower everyday, it doesn't mean I was living. My day passed uneventfully, with a heart full of sorrow that gets heavier every single day.
I feel deprived, alone, lost and trapped in a world and a body I never wished I had. I didn't choose for this consciousness.
I keep feeling bad for feeling bad. I know many people are out there are homeless and in war-torn countries. I had never lived an easy going or luxurious life, but I had the basics to live.
Past two days had been good and self-harm didn't once crossed my mind. Now, it does, once again.
@adoredHug70
Hello, darling. I'm sorry to hear that the feeling has come back. We always wish it won't but it always seems to loom over us waiting for a chance to get to us again, huh?
If I can say anything in response to this entry, I want you to hear this. You don't need to compare your pain to others. Guilting yourself about how unfortunate others are shows how compassionate of a person you are, but also ends up negatively contributing to your already negative experience.
Just because your situation may seem "insignificant" in the big scheme of things, I want you to know your pain is valid. We have diseased minds and that literally influences our perception of everything. If you sit there arguing your privilege and how you are terrible for feeling this way, no one is being helped.
I know how hard it is to recognize the validity of your own experience when we are constantly bombarded with stories of starving children, rape survivors, and war veterans. But the guilt you are feeling does not make your depression any less than you feel it is. It is pain. Pain is pain- no matter what causes it- and that pain is yours.
Please, don't disregard yourself and your value based on the struggles around you. You have worth and your story is valid. You are loved and you can overcome this.
I believe in you. :)
(If you need someone to talk to, I am always open to starting a dialogue. Please allow yourself to be heard and helped.)
241117
Mood: 3/10
Look at myself in the mirror and couldn't stand my reflection. I will never be perfect, never be good enough. I always thought this life encourages progress, why is it that when even I try so hard, I end up behind others who don't have to do a thing at all.
I used to spill all this to a good friend of mine but now, he just gets sick of me whenever I share. He calls it 'whining' and 'complaining', so I started this little diary for myself.
I don't like this life, I struggle to be happy daily but it's hard, really. It's like trying to climb walls with your fingernails. :(
So down.
