I understand you feel like there is no other to numb/deal with the pain. I know it's difficult and hard. But this is a very unhealthy coping skill. I know it's a long journey to recovery from here. I want you to know that you're not alone and many of us have/had experienced the same feelings as you. I want you to know that this is a safe space and your feelings and emotions are valid here. I would suggest look at these 2 websites with alternative coping skills for self harm. Please do take care of yourself and your mental health. We are always willing to talk to you. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.