Recent progress on my confidence

Hi everyone! I’m utzie, a 17-year-old Japanese girl. I just wanted to share a recent experience that unexpectedly helped me build a lot of confidence/self-esteem. Please don't take this as advice though!! I think it worked for me though, and it really put me in the right mindset. 

The thing was that I had been feeling more lonely, ugly, unloved, and single than ever, as literally all of my friends were getting into relationships, and seeing them receive affection & compliments from their partners frequently really got me. The constant comparison I made in my head made me think that I was somehow worth less than my friends. 

Then, I seriously got into Japanese male idol groups during school break (I accidentally came across one of their videos on YouTube). As I started watching their performance/live videos, learned their dance moves, and chose my "bias" for each group, I somehow felt better about myself. I initially feared that it was because I was filling in the hole in my heart that came from the lack of real (?) men in my daily life, and that I somehow had a crush on the idols. 

However, it soon became clear to me that this new-found feeling of confidence rather came from thinking that I was one of these idols I was watching on the screen (like identifying with one of my biases, if that makes sense). Okay, this may sound bizarre, but bear with me. Making myself believe that I was one of these idols by learning their choreography/songs, watching videos on their channels, etc. made me feel closer to them, and made me believe that I was as talented, good-looking, and loved as they are. 

Idols have a large number of really supportive fans, but at the same time, have many haters as well. Nonetheless, it doesn’t change the fact that their performance, or even presence alone can make a certain number of people happy, and make their lives worth living a little bit more. It also doesn’t change the fact that some consider them as incredibly attractive (even if some don’t). I think this applies to normal people like us as well. Just because others around us are living a good life, doesn’t mean that my life is bad. Just because others are attractive, doesn’t mean that I’m ugly to everyone. 

This mindset allowed me to feel more confident, and not focus on the “better” things that are happening to my friends around me. 

I personally don’t understand this phenomenon (why this worked) completely, but I just wanted to share my findings with y’all. Any experts, please hit me up if you know anything about this! I hope anyone who finds this is able to find peace and confidence in yourself as well! (Also, I’m sorry if my description was very confusing!)