Going through difficulty

Hi there. I am Pattuz from India. Hope everyone here is doing well and keeping good.

Here goes my story. I apologise if this triggers anyone by any chance.

Self esteem is an issue I have always struggled with since childhood through my schooling, graduation and my work life. I have pursued a lot of art forms like music, dance, theatre, hosting events, and many more to get that validation/attention from people which fulfills the worthiness I wanted to feel. I've always looked out at people to tell me or show me signs if I was worthy or not. It killed me inside when I didn't perform well which made me feel more embarassed and depressed. I used the shut myself in my room and vowed never to perform again but eventually the need to feel worthy was high which pushed me more in the same track.

I still hold a lot of ups and downs where I feel the need to be validated for my actions. However, over the period of time, what contributed to a change in looking inwards for the worthiness is the feeling of independence. The independent decisions I took with regard to work, personal life, financial stuff, etc. Even smaller decisions like what I wear, what I eat, where I travel was made individually which gave me more confidence. I felt more better by navigating my worthiness through the independency I felt.

So I would like to share with everyone here that - Yes, there are situations which make you feel worthless, lost, hopeless and down. But push yourself to take the smallest choice and decision by yourself. Validate yourself with the decisions you make. It is a beautiful feeling being here. Maybe it works for you too.!

Just felt like sharing. Thank you for taking time to read this. Wishing the best for you.