Out of good to give the world
I am babysitting until late tonight and after that I want to kill myself. My best friend just dumped me and told me I am abusive. I hate myself for hurting him.
I reach out to my other friends when things get bad with us, and here I am again asking for people's support and having nothing to offer them in return.
I shouldn't be around people any more. I don't want to hurt anyone else, and I feel like such a monster. I just want to put myself down and not do any more damage.
I will wait until this beautiful child is safely out of my care, but I don't know how much longer a can wait after that. I hate me so much I can't stand it.
@ZomBri
You are not a monster. You are suffering. Please seek the advice of someone way smarter than me! Seriously, if you think you may be in harm's way, please be careful.
@JeffWM Thank you. My own calm is scaring me. I have never been so sure of this before. It may just be the right thing to do. I haven't taken any steps because I am in charge of a 5 year old for the next few hours. That's the only thing keeping me going right now, because I won't leave her alone or in danger.
I highly urge you to contact a crisis line at this time. I know you likely feel that your only recourse is to end your life, but you must try to understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and that you, as a human being, are highly valuable to us all!
Please use any of these crisis lines. Use multiples if you need to. They are:
http://help.org/
http://www.get.gg/helplines.htm
http://suicide.org/
Once you have contacted the appropriate crisis line (and I know you will because I believe in you and have full faith in your ability to recognize how important you are in this world) and if you are needing to talk with someone - please know that I'm here. Feel free to message whenever you need to, and I will get back to you ASAP.
With greatest love,
Time
@TimeGuardian I know suicide can't be dealt with here, I just feel trapped until I can deal with these adult emotional support away from the wonderful 5 year old I am currently in charge of. I would never do anything to hurt her, so until she is no longer my responsibility, I know I won't and can't cope the way I want to, for better or for worse.
@ZomBri
Yes, I understand, but I do hope you contact the lines. As you said, you need help that we can't provide here, but I'm sure none of us want you to feel alone while you're waiting to be able to make contact. Feeling trapped can be difficult to deal with but just please know that you're not alone while you wait.
As another poster said, you're not a monster. We all make mistakes, and we all hurt others at times. It's part of being human, and it's more than forgivable. Sometimes we just have more trouble forgiving ourselves than others have forgiving us. But the fact that you feel guilt shows that deep inside you're a good person. A bad person wouldn't care like you're caring right now.
Please hang in there!
This feels so right. Before I have always been at least a little conflicted. The only conflict I have now is that I am responsible for an innocent for the next few hours. My thoughts tell me that after that time I will be able to go ahead.
@ZomBri
Darling, you've mentioned how you spend time and energy helping others and you feel that in this time of crisis others aren't helping you. It's a terrible feeling, feeling like there's no one you can lean on. I'm sorry that your bestie just left and things are so hard right now.
I want to bring something to your attention though. Even though you're feeling this way and you feel like everything is crumbling around you, you are still first looking out for others and you mentioned that babysitting is keeping you from harm.
What if you treat yourself like one of those precious people that you care so much for? You're no different and you are just as important as everyone you reach out and try to help.
I have a little tip I'd like for you to consider: talk to yourself in third person and have a conversation as if you were helping someone in your position. What would you tell ZomBri to do in order to keep going? I'm confident that you wouldn't give up on others and I want to try and channel some of that energy. Using self talk and referring to yourself in third person can go a long way in this.
Here is an article about this if you like reading about these ideas first. Otherwise, please give it a shot. Write it down. Say it out loud. If you feel comfortable enough, even do it in front of a mirror.
I believe that you're someone who wouldn't give up on others. We're here for you.
Sending tons of love and suppport <3