Venting (long)

I’m on a break from a man who loves me, but I no longer love him. We both have issues with our mental health, but I’m the only one getting help. I might break up with him. To make matters worse, as some kind of coping mechanism that my brain had reserved, my obsession for a different guy fired back up. I met this guy eight years ago and have been obsessed/interested in him for almost the entire time. In fact, my obsession was so bad at one point that I ended up in therapy for the first time in 2014/2015. I’m in love with the idea of him (or maybe even with him). I used to have a huge crush on him, and except for during my current relationship and my previous relationship, it never fully went away. He doesn’t like me that way and we were never even friends. (I messed up a lot in the past.) I’m embarrassed and it makes me feel guilty that these feelings are back when I’m technically still in a relationship.