The initial pain and lingering thereafter

2021 was supposed to be the year I made the changes I needed to heal and move past the traumas that accompanied me throughout the first 22 years of my life. A new city, new job, new me. Ironically, as the new year has just passed, I find myself reflecting on a year of many trials and tribulations that were unexpected and almost destroyed me. A month after moving to my new home, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. We were close and that shook my family. He had just retired in January and I found it incredibly unfair that life had taken this course. My new job was extremely stressful now, as it held more responsibilities and a lot of people that were now under my direction were hostile at the fact that someone so young took over so quickly. However, I persevered to make it work because I believed nothing would be as hard as the life I used to live back at my home town. My father ended up succumbing to the cancer 12 days after my birthday. The devastation of this loss still affects me to this day. I am full of anger and guilt, more so at the world than anything, but I have an extremely hard time dealing with it. Moreover, my old friend depression has snaked it's way back into my life as I try to continue adjusting to life without him and making these grim circumstances bearable. I'm lacking energy to tend to myself, but not to stop functioning enough to perform for work or social events. Sleep is a rarity these days, more so than my normal unusual sleeping patterns. Therapy is also out of the question as the only therapist I had found to my liking has stepped away from the practice. I'm at a loss of what to do. I'm not quite dysfunctional enough to off myself, but I have no real drive to live beyond the basic measures of ensuring survival. There is little joy within my days, although I still try to do things I like to do. It seems like the never ending cycle I fought so hard to be rid of has found a way to follow me here, even though I know I'm the only one that can break it. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of sleepless nights and breathtaking nightmares. I'm tired of feeling any type of emotion and wish I could still my head and my heart for just a moment of peace.