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Ruin everything
Ezosphere December 22nd, 2021

On the outside it looks like I am confident, happy and independent. However on the inside it is not like that. I have intimacy problems. I cannot trust. I have so many insecurities with my body and my personality. I cannot be myself around my love interest. I overthink. I have fear of abondonement and rejection. I cannot share my true feelings and discuss them. Although I want to shower him with all the love in the world I hold myself back. So I make mistakes and ruin everything. Despite all of that I fall hard in love. Because I crave love and affection more than anything. That's why I always walk on eggshells.( fear of rejection) I tend to say yes and immediately apologize even if I am right.

I always try to convince myself that I will never find my SO and stop searching. It works most of the time but not always.

When I ruin things I sucked into depression. I blame myself and my soul hurts. I am exhausted to pick up the pieces of my broken soul. My last relationships were disasters and now I ruined another one. I hate being like this. I feel like a broken thing that nobody wants.

Thanks for reading.


2
ArielKn January 9th, 2022

@Ezosphere Do we know each other? Since you described me so well. Covering myself in layers over layers just that no one will see my true self. tangle over every word because of overthinking until choosing the worst response possible.

On the bright side, we are the kind of people that once we open our eyes, we have the best ability to see the good in the other, to bring hope and healing to the world. But it takes strength, the strength you presented here, of opening up and sharing your insecurity.

I'm absolutely certain that the honesty you had displayed here is the beginning of a long journey of self-discovery. A painful path to find peace with all the imperfections we all hide. The openness to share is the joyful tool to help other people like us that suffer, not out of some hidden problem, but just because of the need to hide.
redYard5846 January 11th, 2022

I totally understand how you are feeling. I am also really insecure about myself. I am not able to trust my partner well. I overthink. I even get jealous really easily to my partner. Sometimes I think I am ruining my relationship because of these traits. But upon reading your story, I felt valid. I just want to say you deserve all the happiness and I know you will find it! It’s challenging for people like us, but we will soon get the love we deserve. xoxo

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