Ruin everything
On the outside it looks like I am confident, happy and independent. However on the inside it is not like that. I have intimacy problems. I cannot trust. I have so many insecurities with my body and my personality. I cannot be myself around my love interest. I overthink. I have fear of abondonement and rejection. I cannot share my true feelings and discuss them. Although I want to shower him with all the love in the world I hold myself back. So I make mistakes and ruin everything. Despite all of that I fall hard in love. Because I crave love and affection more than anything. That's why I always walk on eggshells.( fear of rejection) I tend to say yes and immediately apologize even if I am right.
I always try to convince myself that I will never find my SO and stop searching. It works most of the time but not always.
When I ruin things I sucked into depression. I blame myself and my soul hurts. I am exhausted to pick up the pieces of my broken soul. My last relationships were disasters and now I ruined another one. I hate being like this. I feel like a broken thing that nobody wants.
Thanks for reading.
@Ezosphere Do we know each other? Since you described me so well. Covering myself in layers over layers just that no one will see my true self. tangle over every word because of overthinking until choosing the worst response possible.
I totally understand how you are feeling. I am also really insecure about myself. I am not able to trust my partner well. I overthink. I even get jealous really easily to my partner. Sometimes I think I am ruining my relationship because of these traits. But upon reading your story, I felt valid. I just want to say you deserve all the happiness and I know you will find it! It’s challenging for people like us, but we will soon get the love we deserve. xoxo
