Professional Mess up

I don’t know if I should feel contempt or sad or angry or what. I just feel hurt and I think I shouldn’t be feeling like it. Back in 2022, I would have a girl a tiny bit older then me come over and help babysit my sisters with me(they a handful trust me.). My parents are divorced so whenever my mum goes out to do something she’ll usually hire the babysitter who goes to my school to help me watch them.

The girl and I already knew each other and we would just talk about life, problems, and just help each other. We grew really close over this time period. One day she mentioned how she would be leaving in a year or two for uni and I don’t know why but this struck me down so hard. I spent a night walking around my compound and sitting in random spots balling my eyes out that this girl who understood me and cared for me would be leaving. Nevermind the fact it was two years away I just couldn’t cope with that. I had made such a connection with someone and they might not be in my life again.

After bottling this up like I’d done with many things before, I decided that I shouldn’t bottle it up and tell her how upset I was about her leaving and how I wanted to spend more time together. Mind you all, nothing romantic has happened up until now. I told her and she lit up and was happy I told her and it was a really nice moment. From then on it became constant calling almost every night, every babysit I looked forward to so much and we started to try and hangout outside of her babysitting times also.

Now originally whenever we saw each other it would just be a hug and continue with the convo, but it started to become just laying down and cuddling, then to my first kiss then to make out sessions and then to…I’ll stop there but it was fun. I wasn’t even in it for the contact, im not that *** lol. I just loved the connection and the feeling of being loved. We both talked about this aswell and how we cared about the emotions and not the touch.

This would go on until the Christmas break where we’d both go to different countries for the holiday. Sucked super bad not being able to lay down and cuddle like we did at least once weekly but oh well. But I felt we were slowly drifting apart thanks to not being able to see each other. Plus we couldn’t call because her house walls are super thin so no phone calls or smt. I told her about feeling the drift, don’t remember much but regret after telling her. A week later I was told she didn’t want to include smexy times in whatever we were and I was fine with that. But then I was told that she didn’t want the cuddles or the kisses either and I don’t know what to do now. I’ve accepted it and told myself “ok, you are still friends it’s all good.” But it hurts so bad mentally knowing I don’t have that connection anymore. But I want her to br comfortable and happy so I’ve accepted it. It’s important to note she’s blamed this on her self diagnosed bpd so yeah.

that’s my story!!!