Processing Emotions

Hello.

I am just here to unload my aching heart and continuing on with life.

Any advice, kind words, thoughts, etc. would be much appreciated.

My SO and I have been together for almost a year now.

Fun fact: We also eloped which of course we mutually agreed and went into it knowing it would require patience and work (just like every relationship I feel like).

From the beginning he’s had a very difficult time communicating and being transparent with me.

Then there’s me…. I’m very transparent, blunt and calm/civil with any sort of troubling news relayed to me. I mean I cry to release emotion but I only seek to understand and make things better how I can.

A few months ago he told me he regretted marrying me. After messaging his past relationship and saying they were on my SOs mind frequently.

He said he missed simpler times (it was a long distance relationship) and that she was never bothered to be unhappy.

Which is okay… thinking about people is normal especially those who influenced your life in some way. However, be upfront and don’t try to hide it all.

Which I understand marriage is a process and takes time to get use to something so different from what was the usual.

It’s easy for some and hard for others.

Though I can’t help but feeling hurt.

I have a past where most of the people I’ve been with have cheated on me and constantly hid things from me, so it kind of threw me into this spiral of distrust.

Though I acknowledge it, communicate the feeling, and time carries on.

Just last week I was told a few more things…

One being he wishes we would have given it time.

He’s not use to always being with someone.

That we can’t do anything about it because people are invested in us.

Said he’s felt weird for the past few months.

And he couldn’t tell me if I made him happy or not.

But, said he would change anything and wants this to work.

I told him I didn’t want to be with him if I didn’t bring him joy or happiness. In the long run it would be unfair to both of us.

But, quickly he said I made him happy then.

Which I really appreciate him being honest(?) with me but… this relationship has hurt the worst.

I have brought up couples therapy but he doesn’t feel like we need it.

Which you can’t force that upon some one… so.

Then this darkness just simmers deep inside.

Part of me wants to fall back into old habits

and the other me knows it wouldn’t do any good.

I will be honest I have checked his phone in the past but I always tell him when I do. Which I try not to do this because it really is an invasion of privacy.

One part of my brain tells me he hides things and that I’m fooled.

The other part of me knows to discipline myself and just communicate as much as I can.

So, here I am just trying to remind myself Love is patient and to support him. That I need to process my emotions and not to lose “self” for someone again.

Also, I really love this person dearly.

Big. Sigh.

Anyways…Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this and for listening to me ramble.