Only ENM or Poly-folks
Hello,
I recently started being ENM, ethically non-monogamous. My husband promised after he finished school, we can explore being ENM. Sadly, his PhD keeps delaying. He was supposed to "finish" 2 years ago. I decided I didn't want to wait anymore, and told him I wanted to start my ENM journey. He was pretty upset at first then SEEMED accepting.
Lately, he has been giving negative vibes when I text a potentially new partner. Even after a fun-filled day of us spending quality time together. I matched with a girl who openly admitted to being UNethically non-mongamous and he compared me to her saying I am the same. Not true, I told MY HUSBAND that I want to try this lifestyle. This other girl only HINTED to her partner about being non-monogamous, then is on dating site without him knowing. If my husband wasn't comfortable with me being ENM, we can file for a divorce. My husband choose to stay, meaning he chose to deal with my decision to be ENM.
I believe his negativity is severely affecting my affection towards him. I'm treating him more platonically, and getting negative thoughts when he tries to have sex with me. This morning, I was sexually frustrated, but REFUSED to have sex with my husband because of how he's been handling my ENM journey. I don't understand why my husband is with me if he cannot accept this journey I want to venture.
He even started dating on Apps, found someone who was interested in both of us, then he COMPLAINS that I'm flirting with the girl he found on TINDER. Makes no sense. He told me he preferred a triad over us dating separately, and he is STILL giving me a hard time.
I don't know what to think. I love my husband. We get along so well. I love how compatible we are. I learned about ENM after my marraige which is a DAMN shame because I would have definitely wanted to explore that route before getting married. I like living my life without regrets, and after learning about ENM, I felt instant regret. This is something I greatly desire and want to explore. Seeking other partners doesn't mean I love my husband less. If I didn't love him, I would have left him. I'm not scared of divorce or start all over.
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.
@Alone237
OK ENM can be complicated, (not because it’s unnatural or wrong), but because society has all these other conflicting norms that coexist. Personally I wholeheartedly support and am in favor of polyamory and open relationships, as well as traditional monogamy. Whatever relationship people consent to, that brings them love, joy and happiness.
For most people we have been socialized to think traditional marriage/ monogamy is the one true path. So when you both married each other I presume that’s what you both expected at the time. You love your husband, you’re both compatible, you don’t want to leave your husband, prior to now your marriage hasn’t been terrible, but you also want to explore non monogamy.
From what I can see from what you have described of him/ his behaviors - he seems less enthusiastic about non monogamy.
1) Let’s look at this from his perspective.
When he married you, maybe he had beliefs that you were his partner ‘to the exclusion of all others; till death do you part’ ? Maybe he had a whole worldview about two people belonging only to each other, that he would fulfill his duties to you, to love you loyally, that you would have a family and move towards common goals and that would be enough for both of you. Importantly, maybe he thought that you felt the exact same way.
So when you introduced the idea of non monogamy into your marriage, this might have been very challenging for him. Specifically since it’s your initiative rather than a mutual initiative (that is, if you had never suggested it to begin with and left entirely up to him, non monogamy might never have been an option). So it’s not uncommon in that case for the partner to think - ‘So, does that mean I’m inadequate for my spouse?’ ‘Has she been unhappy this whole time? Have I done something wrong, failed in some way, that she needs more?’ ‘What if we pursue this non monogamy and she falls in love with someone else?!’
From his perspective - everything he thought he knew, everything he envisioned for his marriage and life with you is suddenly uncertain. Where there was once only security, he now faces so much fear and risk. Monogamy, despite all of its flaws, is predictable. Transitioning from monogamy to non monogamy is foreign to him, it’s something untried and he has no idea how it will work out.
2) Consent and mutual voluntary participation
He initially agreed to explore non monogamy with you on the condition that it happens after his PhD is completed. You then didn’t want to wait that long because the PhD took longer than expected. I think he agreed to explore non monogamy with you to begin with only because he could see this was important to you and he wanted to make you happy. I think he delayed it as long as possible because this is not what he genuinely wants for himself, or for your marriage together, but at the same time he knows it is something that you desperately want, and he is trying to navigate a way to appease you. He delayed it possibly to give himself more time to process the idea, but also to have more time with you alone, to delay that time where he would have to share you with another. So he grudgingly agreed to let you start your ENM journey but it’s obviously not making him happy.
What are his options really? You have stated that you’re ready to divorce him if he doesn’t support you in your ENM. He very obviously is committed to you and does not want to lose you. At the same time he seems resistant to the idea of sharing you with others (his jealous reactions when you flirt with others etc). So for him both his available options (divorce, or non monogamy that he doesn’t want) are not acceptable; neither of them leads to happiness for him. He might feel like he is in a lose/lose situation.
So when you say he has agreed to the ENM, maybe he isn’t agreeing to it in the same sense that you are agreeing to it.
You said that if you had known about ENM prior to marriage is something you would have liked to explore. But that’s not the way it worked out for either of you. Maybe if he had known that at some point marrying you might mean you would both be introducing others into your marriage - he also might have chosen a different path. But because you chose each other then; whatever you choose now you have to navigate it together. You have to do it with an understanding of your mutual responsibility to each other, and with an understanding that adapting to an evolving marriage is difficult, especially when it evolves in ways you didn’t anticipate!
Try not to see him as an ‘obstacle’ that is impeding you on your ENM journey. He’s not resisting your efforts at ENM out of some malicious intentions to obstruct your happiness. Maybe he’s just terrified of the sudden direction that his marriage is taking. Maybe he feels threatened by the idea of other people becoming involved. Maybe when you with-hold sex as a punishment for his behaviour he feels even less in control and it makes him more afraid that he is losing his marriage … He stated that he would rather a triad than you dating separately. I think his biggest fear is losing you. He’s not fond of the idea of sharing you either (probably because that poses the risk of losing you to someone else in his mind), but if it has to happen he still wants to feel important to you.
If you are resolved to pursue ENM, and you still love your husband - reassure him instead. Even though this is what you adamantly want and need for your own happiness- Appreciate how challenging this must be for him. Help him better envision how it will work exactly. Help him to adjust his expectations. Address his fears. Let him know that he’s still important to you, that it doesn’t mean you will love him any less, that he’s not losing you, no matter what!.
Wishing you all the best with everything! I hope you are able to find a way forward that brings you both happiness!
CatsInTheCradle
@catzinthecradle Thank you so much for your response! For the most part, I have been doing my best reassuring him that I love him. One of his major concerns is my lack of ability to balance multiple relationships. Sadly, I only started my ENM journey, so I know I have to learn how to balance once the time comes and I find someone who I frequently meet up with. My husband struggles with vocalizing his negative energy. I hear him sighing and sighing, and I ask him if everything is okay. He tells me no. I ask him to talk to me about it. At first, he was reluctant. He felt like we would have the same run around, but thankfully I proved him wrong and showed that when he shares his feelings, it helps me acknowledge them and reassure him.
I think I’m doing okay in terms of communication. He says he needs to get used to it. Dating is a slow process, so it’s hard for him to get used to something that’s barely starting. I’ve only been on one date so far (and we didn’t vibe). I’m talking to another girl, and we haven’t met up yet. Lots of talking. I can’t really alleviate his fears until I “prove” that I will indeed balance our relationships and not neglect him.
His other worry is that the person I will date will try to manipulate me and plant the seed of doubt, so they can have me to themselves. When I’m talking to single poly people, it’s hard to counter, but when they’re partnered, it’s easier to reassure him that they already have a nesting partner. I also tell people that if they want a serious relationship with me, they have to meet my husband and at least get along with him. I figured this should alleviate this concern slightly. Thoughts?
I know the other reply is extremely thorough and blows any other out of the water, but I want to add my thoughts.
I have a friend who seems to simultaneously have the desire of a marriage and children one day but also experiencing other people sexually. Right before traveling abroad to work for a year, she met someone she really liked. He was clearly into her and thought she was worth waiting for. She didn’t want to give up her freedom sexually and also didn’t even want to come back to the states, so she asked him to be in a polyamorous relationship. But I feel he did it for fear of losing her if he didn’t agree. He admitted he didn’t see anyone else while she almost fell in love with some guy she started seeing.
i think your husband’s fear and reluctance stems from that. Many guys—not just guys; people in general, but I’ve noticed with guys in my personal experience—don’t want to imagine their partner with someone else. It sickens them for many. I think like the other reply this is all new to your husband and he feels it’s just a gateway to losing you. It’s easy to fall for someone if boundaries aren’t set and people aren’t careful and seeing as he’s not familiar with this lifestyle that’s probably all he knows of it—that it could set him up for loss.
In polyamory, it is okay to have multiple loves. Falling for another person will not diminish my love for my husband. It is like having multiple friends. If I make a new friend, will I stop loving my old friends? No. Which is why I love the concept of ENM. I would love to have a poly-family where all my partners get along. In the poly community, they called this kitchen-table-poly.
My husband told me that I misunderstood your statement about setting boundaries to prevent the ease of falling for someone. In that regard, I tell whoever I am dating that our relationship isn’t serious until they meet and get along with my husband. I think that’s the sort of boundary you’re speaking of.
Honestly, I don’t have too many friends. I only have one who I frequently seek advice from, but they’re rarely available. I resort to calling my actual family if the topic isn’t gay. Having multiple partners is like an upgrade to friendships because they will desire to be with you more than a platonic friend. My husband gets upset when I mention this. He typically asks “Am I not enough? I’m your husband and your best friend.” In other words, it’s like he’s saying I don’t need other friends. Finding friends as an adult is much more difficult then finding a partner.
My husband also said that I have an unhealthy expectation of friendships. I want a friend who frequently checks on me as much as I check on them and hang out with me at least once a week. Since this is unrealistic for a friendship, the next best thing is ENM. People actively seeking friendships and more.
