My sexuality

I'm 28, have always been very stubborn about the idea of having sex only with the person I will marry. I had relationship anxiety and a protective and restrictive upbringing. And low self esteem in my interaction with the opposite gender. In my workplace I would be the vulnerable and shy person. I would never be able to confront a person who would make sexual advance specially if it flattered me.. I would be too compassionate, respectful and passive, which would be misunderstood as me not minding it.. I only very recently came to realise that men could easily get into my head and that my feeling of arousal had a connection with my most recent interaction with a man. And the fact that I was being emotionally played, which was a contributing factor to my anxiety. The self pressure of maintaining my decency and innocence kind of made me self destructive and vulnerable and easy to play with and sensitive to sexual attention .. though it's not something that I want from random men. And I'm not able to always avoid manipulation and assert myself and I end up being self conscious.. Taking up the challenge to face my fears I spoke to a guy my age, I was attracted to. It was a long distant one. I was happy we had our good and bad moments, first phone sex experience. Though I ended up being toxic and obsessed.. and we had to stop. Im kind of stuck at the moment when I communicate with guys. I'm not sure how to safely express my sexuality and want to grow up.. and stop feeling ashamed or guilty or worrying about what the guy thinks about me.. I want to just be myself, let go of mental blocks.. most people my age that I know, have had sexual experiences in the past, and I'm not sure how to express myself without guilt, shame and regret about myself changing. I want to continue exploring my sexuality in a safe and respectful manner.