My relationships! (:

First relationship : We will call him D, I liked D but he did not like me, he always bashed me for my hair texture and my skin color but when he asked me out I thought he actually liked me! I believe he just lied to me and when he broke up with me I was devastated.

Situationship : We will call him J, J was a good man but we were 2 years apart and the maturity difference was insane. He was a nice dude I found him attractive but my friends didn’t and always bashed me for it so I stopped talking to J and for some years I felt the backlash of that. I had missed him, he was a good person though. We were alike. We made up though and he is a friend which I’m glad! I don’t think we were meant to be together lol

Situationship 2: Another J.. he was a horrible person. Horrible. He took advantage of me, made me lose all of my friends because I liked him and my friend liked him. He got with her in the end. I was upset. After he came back to me used me some more and kept getting into relationships while giving me false hope. I kept seeing the food in him because I really liked him. This lasted for 3 years. He traumatized me. Abandoned me and caused me to have more intimacy issues and not the ones stemming from my CSA. I lost a lot because of him and was very sad. We didn’t date.

Situationship 3: A he was a cool dude I liked him and liked him a lot but he was very racist and called me clingy and said he didn’t want to be together and he had to think it out. When he said this, this meant abandonment for me. He broke up with me and left me. I guess I can love hard but I like showing affection to others….

Situationship 4: another A.. this man groomed the *** out of me. Online. Grooming. I somewhat knew but I really really liked him. When I found out about the other girls and men he was with while talking to me, he abandoned me and made it all my fault. He took advantage of me as well. We did not date I don’t know why, I felt like I wasn’t deserving to be someone girlfriend

Relationship now: AHHH LMFAOOO I really love him. I decided I want to change my ways for myself and him. He made me feel love, security and safe like no other. He was the first person I got intimate with. We went through our rough patches but Im glad I realized what I wanted was him. I want to give him the feeling of love, pleasure and to have him feel as if he is on top of the world! He deserves it. I love sleeping next to him. I want to wake up to his face everyday.

Recently though, I have been on & off of birth control— I have been having obsessive and intrusive thoughts about whether I love him or not.. I constantly check my feelings and compare him to others, check my sexual and romantic attraction to other which caused me to continue spiral and these thoughts persisted … I have multiple people telling me it could be OCD. These aren’t just mere thoughts that go away I get them alot.. and they won’t go away and they drive me crazy, I cry and cry because of them and wish I could be happy like I’m preventing myself from being happy with him. I could write down many reasons why I like and love him but I feel as though how I feel is just more than a trait when it pertains to love. Hmm. I wish this could stop. When I am with him I feel at peace and happy, like myself. When I think about these men, my head hurts but when I think about my boyfriend I feel calm and relaxed.