Losing friendship after being roommates

Lately, I’ve been thinking about moving out of my sister’s house to live closer to my university because next term I am set to be more physically involved on campus as well as nearby. Spending time commuting would be hard to balance work, school, and my mental health because traffic sucks in the Bay Area. Additionally, according to where I live, the average 1 bedroom or studio costs about $3,000 if not $1,000 and i just do not have that money! I’ll save that talk on the impossible housing market for another time haha.

A practical solution would be to find a roommate. However, my last experience has made me feel doubtful in myself as a friend, a roommate, and overall a capable person.

When I was applying to my university, my friend whom I grew close to throughout my high school years planned on rooming together near school. I imagined my transition to university to be enjoyable and easy because I felt less alone. Throughout our first year, however, we came from laughing at inside jokes to suddenly never exchanging words to each other despite being in the next room over. It felt saddening to watch our friendship die, but our individual realities of mental health and differing views took over. Im not longing for that friendship anymore because I know we were both young and didn’t know enough, hence the immature ways of handling the situation like bottling up feelings and solely communicating through text messaging. I know in the future, i wont ever handle problems passively and add on to that fire. But her friends were my friends too, and after she found someone to replace her spot in the lease, none of them kept in touch with me.

After this, I fell into a deeper depression because I was losing the people I knew and laughed with the most. I fell into drugs and hanging out with people I eventually grew out of. I didn’t know enough, because I was young and still figuring out my adolescence. I am still figuring out my existence :0

I think i feel a certain way about friendships because of my past experiences, but i know better than to let them deter how I connect with others. In fact, I’ve held very delightful, deep, and refreshing conversations with multiple human beings but no, we all aren’t the best of friends like spongebob and patrick.

It has affected the way I feel about trusting others. Not just this experience, but other experiences in my childhood as well. Although, I find myself in a space where I feel confident in connecting with others and being vulnerable, I tend to fall into this thinking habit:

“I don’t feel capable. I can’t let my emotions get the best of me they are just thoughts. But what if they never go away? What if I always have to fight this feeling of incapability? What would have happened if i grew up with a responsive environment? I am ok. I am alive. I am breathing. I am fine”

Ok that was just a bit of a rant/ramble because I have been feeling extra lonely lately but I appreciate this space to freely express. It makes me want to write. Although i don’t have the energy to reach for my journal or let alone rise from this bed, this space/app makes me feel like im not alone. So thankyou to whoever reads/listens. This world is definitely in need of some listening and love.