Letting Go

Years ago I met someone who I felt a strong connection with. We got along very well, had amazing times living a fun lifestyle with others and gave effection and comfort to each other on occasions. It never developed into a relationship. They were always up and down. one minute I meant a great deal to them, the next I was being pushed away. One minute they were happy, the next they'd take to their bed with low energy and mood. One minute they'd tell me how highly they thought of me, the next they were self loathing telling me to stay away and that they were no good. It was very confusing. Towards the end of this period they opened up and told me that they have Bipolar disorder. It all made sense after but I wasn't educated enough about it to fully understand at the time.

I've been in relationships over the years, gave it a good go to forget this person but eventually over time my mind would go back to them.

Some years ago they randomly got in touch saying they were in the same country and wanted to visit. Told me they think about and miss me alot, and that they will always have a soft spot for me, but the conversation stopped and they left without the visit taking place.

The next year, communication picked up when they realized we'd soon be living in the same country but then once again it stopped. This happened a few times during that year. They then started to do things that suggested they cared with hardly any communication. It was too confusing for me, I couldn't tell if the connection was real or just in my head. I grew tired of it and decided to remove all forms of contact without telling them.

A few months later they saw I was about to enter the country and got in touch asking me to take a flight to visit them. I told them exactly how I felt, that I wouldn't make the effort for someone who doesnt make the effort for me. They were hurt, told me they were going through a hard time and that they didn't want to lose me but refused to see it from my point of view. This was the last time we spoke.

I know this person has never had a relationship and the idea of one is most likely scary to them. I know they live with the difficulties of bipolar. I know they don't know how to express themselves and will say the opposite of what they think and feel because it's easier. I understand that they find emotions hard to deal with. But I also know me and what I want from the people closest to me. I have no problem supporting someone with their mental health but I don't want to question what I am in their life and constantly feel confused wondering if they'll drop contact again.

Looking back, I'm grateful that we didn't get together back then as I realized how much of my own healing and growth I needed to do from other experiences in life.

I still think about this person, I imagine they will always pop up in my minds eye throughout my life. But I'm at a point where I need to let the memory go. Who I was back then is not who I am now, so the memory is simply a past version of two people who don't exist anymore.

I write this as another process of letting go, releasing my story and placing it in the hands of the universe with gratitude of what was and looking forward to what will be.

Thanks for taking the time to read this 🌻