In love, out of reach.

I've thought a lot about this. I lost sleep. I've decided I can't continue this. I know you don't need an explanation but I do. It's for me. I love you in a way that I haven't loved before and it's at a dangerous point for me. You asked me once how I could feel so strongly about a person I've never met. I didn't have a good answer nor do I now. We started by seeing the distance barrier but I kept pushing it off as something that I'd be able to cross down the road. Now, we've reached that wall and I have no choice but to either cross it or turn around. I can't just stay at the barrier and watch, expecting you to do anything or for something to just happen. So I'm turning around. I'm sorry that I got so far deep into this and I'm sorry that the things I've said to you were either not enough or way too much. I wish I could remain friends with you, that I could just be patient and see how this unfolds but I'm just not capable of doing that without it greatly affecting me negatively. I can and want to wait for someone like you but only with a guarantee, maintenance from both sides, and defined mutuality and I know those things aren't possible for you right now. I'm sorry I told you I'd wait but I know that I can't, not because I don't want to or because I don't believe we will ever be able to really be together, but because I'll put myself through so much pain and misery doing it that neither of us will benefit in the end. It'd be like people that want to lose an extreme amount of weight but do it really unhealthily. Sure, it was accomplished but at what cost? Was it even worth it? I wanted to see this through. I never needed a good reason to wait, I just found more reasons not to. A girl like you, with your personality, attitude toward life, looks, talents, and lifestyle comes around once in a lifetime. That's what makes this so difficult for me. I know you don't believe much in wasted time and neither do I but if I could go back and never have met you, I would, and not because I regret meeting you as a person or what we've talked about, but because of the way I feel now. It's for my sake. You've shown me a lot about the world and myself. I understand who I am more now because of this experience. I don't believe this was a waste of time, I just would've rather not have fallen in love with someone so unattainable. You know I cling on to words, everything said means something to me. So when you said you were in love with me, I took that as the green light to let you completely in and since all I have to offer you right now is my love, I gave it all to you. It's a problem I deal with after I do that because I can't plan out and prepare for an emotional roller coaster. Like I said in the beginning, I love hard but when it becomes too painful, I don't know how to just let up. And then when we had the talk we had the other day, about how you're not sure if you're "in love", how things have changed for you, and how you're really not interested in a relationship anyway, it confirmed everything I have doubted for the past few weeks. That talk was all I needed to clock out of this so I honestly appreciate you at least sharing those feelings with me. I hope you already know that everything I've ever said to you, I meant from the very bottom of my heart. You're special and always will be. Some day, when we are where we want to be as individuals, maybe we can pick this up but I'm not expecting or even hoping for that so I'm not constantly wondering and changing the way I'm doing things to facilitate, even on a subconscious level, that happening. This is me doing what I think is best for me. You'll always be in my heart, always, but I just don't want you in my head anymore. I can no longer talk to you on any platform. I'm going to block and delete you from my life for now to the best of my ability. I'm pretty good at cleaning house these days. This is incredibly difficult and heartbreaking for me to do, as you can tell but I know that if I don't do it now, it will only get worse. So thank you for everything you've taught me, for loving me, making me feel important and cared about for a while, and showing me that it's possible for someone I consider way above me in all aspects to actually find me appealing. I'm sorry for giving it my all, for setting myself up, and trying to make something out of a situation that really had nothing to begin with. I'll always love you. I don't forget feelings like these. I hope you learned something about yourself. At least I could do that for you.