I feel like I am ruining my relationship
The past few weeks, me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot. And most of them has to do with me being so sensitive and jealous. I tend to pick a fight with him when I feel uncomfortable about something he does, or make assumptions. When I get anxious, I tend to throw things at him out of frustration. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m just sensitive or he’s insensitive. But last night he said he’s getting tired of our fights and he feels like every little thing about him is wrong for me. I don’t feel like every little thing is wrong with him, for me I am just voicing out what’s uncomfortable for me that he does. But I guess I really am becoming totally out of line. I acknowledge that I am becoming controlling, needy, doubtful, and sensitive. And I do wanna change that. But it’s so hard. I feel like I am destroying my relationship because of my toxic traits. I am scared of losing him. I don’t want him to think that I will forever be this person. I wasn’t like this for a year of our relationship, this pattern just started last November.
@redYard5846
I relate so hard to this. The part about you being sensitive and jealous? I feel the exact same way with my boyfriend, I feel like even really little things can make me have quite a big reaction if it makes me uncomfortable or insecure. But I'm trying to work on it, because he's expressed that us fighting so often is having a big effect on the relationship - he feels like he can never do anything right and it makes him want to talk to me less because he hates fighting. But it's so hard for me, I'm not trying to pick a fight but it just ends up happening, and I love him to pieces, I hate that he feels like I think he can never do anything good.
I think a lot of it does have to do with my own personal insecurites. Im not very confident in myself so I feel like why would he not be looking for someone else, or how could he possibly see me as attractive etc. And I take that out on him, I make it seem like that's something he's done wrong when in reality I'm just anxious and insecure about it. So I'm trying to stay aware of that, and work out the insecurities within myself rather than putting them onto him. However, an argument is rarely always one person's fault. Even if your reaction might be a bit bigger than necessary, you are reacting to something. If something upsets you, then it matters. Your feelings are valid. Also if there's something you guys KEEP fighting about, then you need to be having a conversation about it. Even if it's a little thing, especially if its something small because then surely it shouldn't be so hard for him to do something about it.
Also something that helps is if you let him know how you're feeling. Tell him you're aware that you've been picking fights or making assumptions, explain to him how you're feeling sensitive or jealous. Let him know that you know there's a problem, and that you are trying to make a change. I did this with my boyfriend, i told him that i know I'm reacting badly and I'm being crazy/insecure or whatever and it ended up with a really meaningful conversation. He then knew that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, and that I was actually struggling myself. Then we spoke about things HE could do to help me out. Even if it's just little things like give more reassurance, or when I start to pick a fight over something small, he needs to try to understand where I'm coming from more and talk about it better etc. I don't know. But since I became aware of it and started actively trying, and spoke to him about it, it has got better. I probably didn't but maybe I helped in some way, hopefully?
Hope you're doing okay <3