If I only knew

For eleven years you were the foundation that held me up. But I never saw that.

For eleven years you showed me the purist love. But I never saw that.

For eleven years I had the entire world in my hands. But I never saw that.

It took losing you to make me realize what I had. And I lost you exactly because I was never able to see how amazing my life was. I was blind to how pure your love for me was. I was blind to how any success I had in life was propped up by your belief in me. No matter how dark my view of myself was you never gave up on me. You stubbornly stood by me far too long while I allowed my illness to poison my mind and behavior and while I was distancing myself and allowing the darkness to consume me you stood by my side and refused to leave me to destroy myself.

I never deserved the kind of love you showed me. I never appreciated it and never really even noticed it. Our relationship was the epitome of a man taking a woman's love for granted.

For so many years I refused to acknowledge that my mental illness was guiding me. I refused to admit I was sick and not viewing the world for what it was and was completely convinced I was right. I was completely convinced of all the dark things my mind told me and I refused to even consider that I might be wrong. And in doing so I destroyed the only pure and good thing I have ever known in my life.

Now the darkness is descending on me again and in the time of my greatest need I am alone without my champion.