I Don't Know

I have never been in a relationship

When I was 13 years old my younger sister passed away somewhat suddenly. Because of this I fear growing close to new people, fearing that I will grow close to them and love them and they will leave me like my sister did and I will once again be broken by it. Almost a year ago I met a boy. Truly the first one in my 20 years that I've wanted to share my thoughts and scars with. Seeing a notification from him or seeing him when it's possible, even for a few hours, is sometimes the only thing that makes me smile that day. We've never been more than friends, at his ask because of relationship problems that he has, but I can't get past the feelings that I've had for the last few months and I want to tell him. However... because of my relationship and intimacy issues, I can't physically get out the words of all the things that I want to tell him. I just wish that I could tell him, but at the same time I can't help but think that shoving those feelings down and ignoring them is the best.

This boy is being deployed in a few months. And while I know that it is relatively safe, I can't help but fear the worst and I know that if we were to get into something more and he didn't come back it would feel just like my sister again, and I'm not sure I can survive another thing like that. It was bad enough the first time. Even now, when nothing has happened, just thinking about it makes my throat close and begin to panic. Along with that, I fear that, if the worst happens, I won't know it happened.

I don't know what to do