Help: advice for relationship

Hi there.

I need some advice or at least opinion from anyone. I dont feel well about my future in some point. I think I am destined to be alone when it comes to partnership per se. And if anyone can convince me otherwise or give me a piece of hope it would be nice. Please something helpful.

My situation is this: I have never loved a man who valued me, seen me for who I really am or accepted love towards him. Or I screwed it up like really stupidly.

So here I go. My first boyfriend left me, because I think he wanted sex and I was not ready for it in that moment. 2 weeks later he left without giving me any reason. He just said he dont know. It broke my heart, but with a little glass of Irish whiskey and a friend I got over it in a normal way.

My second partner was my longest relationship. I wanted to marry him, we were engaged and he and I moved together for some years. We had a relationship for about 6.5 years. But he was an alcoholic and crazy to be honest, owning fake weapons like AK47 and being emotionally abusive a lot. In the end I ended up in hospital, and during that time and afterwards he cheated on me like 1 year or more. Well it was obvious but I was too naive to stop thinking he was honest or there was something like true love between us ever.

My 3. Relationship was with a psychopath. I dont go in detail here. He was sadistic (and guys, 50 shades of grey is romantic bullshit. Reality is something else) for example. And he threatened me to kill me, choked me and forced me to things I would never do. Only when no one was around. When people could be witnesses he would twist truth and be so fucking nice that I doubted my own reality. I left him being in hospital again

Yeah. And now I recently had a relationship with a guy you can consider being normal. But we had a lot of problems, like having a baby at a time that is very difficult to handle. I lost my job. He was super stressed. We lost our appartment cause we could not afford it. And he started drinking to cope all that and I left cause I said, no way, you are so irresponsible thinking you can control that! Yes.

I live alone now and try to recover before giving birth. My situation is not bad. I even might have a job in the future. But I lack a stable live since ever and friends with the same interests. Or a tribe, you know? But I am working on these things. My family are not people I seek help or advice from, since they are just giving pressure and accusing me of bullshit. That is not the problem. I have long term goals and a plan.

But.

I can not talk to men in general. Especially healthy, kind, empathic, nice or normal men who have their shit together. I had my chances. And I screwed it up by not even approaching him, or not reacting in any way when I have been approached. Or being rude out of fear. I had crushes on some few men, but it was not going anywhere. And even as a child I never had that innocent boyfriend girlfriend thing in kindergarden, school in general or every day life. Since I am too black for white men and too white for black men. And everyone looks at me and thinks I am african or for sure like hip hop or beyonce. Yeah, sure I hate that like most of the time. I have been told like 100 times from several people to go home to africa or be more black. Fuck you honestly! I am German. Period. It's like I am not being allowed to exist because it violates the reality of mankind in general. And I would leave if there would actually be a place to go.

But anyway. I know how people perceive me and that I dont fit in their psychological concept. They do not get me or my true intentions at all and most of the time try to prove me wrong about my own self. But I am used to it. I accept the unchangeable for peace sake and keep quiet most of the time. But when it comes to relationship, this is a serious issue.

How can I actually have a relationship like that? If my partner tells me I am this and I am that, and I say no I am neither. I am something you dont want to hear or accept. Because if I dont make things clear, it will be even more difficult. But that always led to a breakup. And I dont mean i am perfect or flawless or nice like all the Time. No one is.

But how can I even have hope if i look people in the eye and my gut tells me, sorry this ain't going to work.

And men I consider being able to at least make it work are way out of my league, already taken, too busy with work to even date or not existing. Or some other reason I forgot to mention here.

So. I dont know anymore. I am doing shadow work on myself at the moment to get through the past stress and try to find a healer or priest or monk or therapist who can actually get me and give me help by just listening and having honest compassion. No meditation practice or whatever is needed at the moment. Just being present and understanding and listening with a true open heart and no words needed. And a hug would be nice but that's probably too much.

That's all I need and ever wanted. But I know my expectations are very high and I do not expect them to be ever fulfilled. I just wish to get through life more peacefully in the further. Without bothering my baby too much.

So if someone can say anything of hope it would be so nice and I would like to thank you so much and appreciate you very deeply. Because I dont want to imagine never having a relationship anymore. I am a human being having the need to be hugged and cuddle and have sex and be appreciated for who I am, even if not fully understood. I want to feel safe and loved like anyone else. But I have no long term solution plan to manage that.

Even if I am not traumatized or too different to handle or whatever else, and there is someone who is genuinely interested, I dont know how to socially interact without faking it. I hate faking it. Flirting is already faking for me. I dont like it and I don't like being teased. That's a huuuge problem.

And I dont know how to improve understanding men. Or other things. And telling me to do research on YouTube or seeing a coach or whatever is not what personally consider helpful. If you could mention what I have not tried yet, which I consider an option which could actually be great.

Here a list of what I have tried yet:

Psychotherapy, talking to strangers on the internet on various platforms and topics, praying, yoga in different ways, satsang, reiki and pranic healing, approaching men although I wanted to vanish, online dating, letting him find me, finding him myself, talking to friends and family, chanting, meditation, walking in nature, staying in silence, alcohol and smoking, going to festivals and events, staying single for some time, reading self help books, shamanic healing, asking jesus for the holy spirit, just ignoring everything and enjoying myself, hypnosis therapy, dating men from my country and other nations, considering being a nun or living as a hermit, giving up, looking for hope.

I just want someone to validate or invalidate that there is hope for me. So I can accept it and move on in peace.

I know that there is not a solution for every individual, due to fact that I work in the medical sector and had depressed or isolated patients too. Some people just die and never stopped suffering in this life. But losing hope completely would make it more unbearable but at least true. So you know, here I am now after all of this and still trying to make the best out of it.

No one is a fortune teller who can see future In general. So do not think I expect that. And when you answer, please be honest. I dont need some kind of clumsy cheer up, even if you have good intentions. I appreciate the intention due to its innocence. But not a weak fantasy which does not function or serve.

Thank you if you took time to read it and even more thanks for reply. I will not be mean, even if I seem so In the text. I am just very stressed today and did not sleep much.

See ya!