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Gaslighting?
MissingALink February 19th, 2017
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So everything I look up refers to gaslighting in terms of convincing somebody they are crazy through attempting to invalidate their perception of reality. It's a big deception with lots of negative intent behind it. But I find no mention of small-scale gaslighting, how to recognize it and/or how to stop it.

I live with my man, and I have learned over the last several months, that he gets a kick out of screwing with my head, but not in big, sweeping, convince-her-she's-insane kind of way. It's always small scale stuff that most people file under 'joke', but my memory SUCKS, so he gets me every. Damn. Time. It makes me feel dumb as a post. I hate it. I finally blew up over it and asked him to stop 'screwing with my reality', and he apologized and agreed.

And he stopped. For a while.

We have very clearly defined limits, so when he did it a few more times, I pulled out the big guns and told him it was now on my list of hard limits. It's not OK. Ever. RED.

That should have been a big solid freaking stop sign for him, but though he doesn't do it as often, he keeps slipping, and there's always an excuse, usually that he is overtired and not thinking clearly.

I don't think he's a hardcore example, trying to convince me I have no grasp on my reality, but he clearly gets kicks out of the small stuff and doesn't understand why it upsets me so much.

What the hell do I do with this beyond calling him on it as it happens? (Which doesn't seem to be doing anything btw)

2
February 19th, 2017
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@MissingALink

Calling him out on it is not your only choice. If you desire to stay with this person, you may want to go to couples therapy and even consider individual therapy for you or both of you.

If the other person is unwilling, you may want to seek counseling to look at your options. It's not an easy path, but it is yours and it is a path in the right direction.

WildUnknown February 22nd, 2017
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@MissingALink

While it may not be some huge mastermind plot to make you go totally insane, his behaviour still messes with your reality, unbalances and upsets you, and whatever one wants to call that, it's unfair and unacceptable moving forward in the relationship.

It sounds like you've already done the first and most important steps of working something out, which is communicating about it openly and honestly with your partner and coming to an agreement, albeit one he can't stick to all the time. You have set your boundaries and if he keeps crossing them, however unintentional, it's tiring and problematic. You said he doesn't understand why it's so upsetting to you; when you talked to him about it, did you tell him about the term gaslighting and how it's usually a factor of emotional abuse? Though he may not be 'hardcore' as you put it, perhaps talking about it in harder terms like gaslighting and emotional abuse could make him check himself and actually start to understand why it's upsetting. It may feel like you're being too dramatic, but I think it's okay not to downplay too much being emotionally messed with on any level for a while by a significant other.

If I were in your position, if after all the talking he is not changing because he doesn't understand that it's actually upsetting, I would try couple's therapy and individual therapy as suggested already. It could be more impactful to hear he's being emotionally unfair/manipulative from a professional.

I guess it all depends on how much all the good parts worth saving outweigh any negative behaviours. Of course it's always worth it to try to communicate and work things out, but I also think we should remember our limits and spend our time wisely.

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