Depression and anxiety led to breakup. Hard to cope.

@SpaceChick

Hey there, hopefully things are going well. Theres a few things I would like to point out;

I met this guy and he was just so incredibly wonderful. I knew it wasn't the right time to start a new relationship in my mental state and living situation. My friends kept saying, "there will never be a right time for love" and that I shouldn't pass him up. (Your friends are giving you bad advice here, their kind of advice will often confuse you) I told him my situation and that I wanted to take things slow. He was very understanding. But I eventually threw out my hesitations and I started falling for him and wanted to see more and more of him. (This is a sign that your attraction for him started to grow) Unfortunately, life outside the relationship wasn't getting better and I was having one crisis after another. The day he was going to ask me to be official, he picked me up and I was a mess because my cat of 10yrs just died. My mom got sent to the ER(You must had feel a lot of hurt and pain going through, it must have been tough to stay in the present moment with everything you went through) when he wanted to surprise me with another special outing. The timing of every crisis was almost darkly comedic. And all I could do is talk about my problems. (Its not a good idea to do this with someone you met recently because its going to affect the interactions with him. Its important to not discuss these kind of subjects until you two are on a commited relationship for around 5 months.) We never got to experience a honeymoon phase or really any sort of peace. 6 months in, he reluctantly shared that he was never able to feel all the butterflies he wanted to feel with me. (This must had been really hurtful to hear from him) He tried his best not to blame me, but it was clear my stresses had been weighing on him tremendously. (Unfortunately thats true because you put a lot on his shoulders when you barely knew him, it usually scares people off around the beginning. I could tell he tried to be there for you) This suddenly gave me anxiety that he was going to leave me. (Your anxiety and fear of abandonment were triggered here, so you probably did And say things to pull him closer which made him back away. What we fear, we attract, so becoming afraid of losing will make you lose him because thats all the mind becomes focused on) And he did. We broke up 6 months ago and both sobbed, feeling like things were cut short and that maybe we should give it more a chance. In 2 weeks we got back together and I thought things would be different. But life remained the same and I was still very depressed. (This is going to affect the way you show up in the relationship. Theres nothing wrong with having depression, but it must be treated right away if not then it will cause you to lose romantic partners because itll make you have moods that are high and low) He made a great effort to make me feel cared for, (Im sure he tried, but it wasn't good enough because the core issue from within wasn't solve. He could have given you all the care and love in the world, but you still have doubts since the past hurt has not been resolved) but this last month my anxiety went through the roof with new stressors. I blew up on him and told him I'm constantly afraid he's going to leave me (You are looking for reassurance and to feel loved, the problem with this is that it will cause him to feel like "Im doing the best I can here, but it isn't enough" and then you will see how he stops putting the effort because he didn't feel successful at making you happy. You have to do the work on yourself and solving the past trauma with a therapist because in here you couldn't soothe your anxiety and your abandonment issues were triggered) because who would want to be with someone who cries and is anxious all the time with constant crises?! (I get the feeling you were going through an emotional meltdown and enter panic mode, wanting to feel reassured and love, but you communicated certain insecurities here) To which he said he's not feeling a connection and that he feels guilty because he feels like he's a bigger stress in my life than I need right now. (Men usually feel guilty when they can't make their partner happ) And with that, we broke up.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to cope. I feel he cares deeply about me and is still trying to be there for me at a distance by remaining reachable, but I feel an overwhelming frustration that he never got to know a better side of me to fall for the way he wanted to. (Im sure he had great qualities in you, if not he wouldn't have entered a relationship with you. I can tell you get tremendous amounts of anxiety, it becomes so overwhelming that often you just want to share right away even if it means smothering the other person. Its so hard to notice these things because anxiety makes a person mostly think about just soothing their own anxiety) It's hard to explain to someone that this isn't "the real you" if that's all they know.(I see where you are coming from, its very hard to be at your best and confident when anxiety keeps attacking you. Anxiety often makes us turn into a completely different person, then it comes certain behaviors that we normally wouldn't do when we are calm)I know I need to take this time to focus on myself and my life because even if we tried again right now, my problems and anxieties would still be there because my self-esteem has plummeted in the past couple of years (Yes you do got to focus on yourself, but one of your priorities has to be personal growth because your anxiety probably started around age 3 and then got worst over time) One thing is, I'm back in school. Hoping that finishing would give me a much-needed self-esteem boost. But I can't help but get severe stomach pains when I think about him possibly finding someone new in the meantime (This has to do with separation anxiety, its a built in system that comes up when theres a posiblity of losing a loved one. This is triggering your past abandonment issues and the neglect you felt growing up) and feeling a great connection with someone who isn't sad and stressed all the time. (You are putting yourself down here...and hurting yourself...)I feel physically ill from this and sometimes even vomit. (This usually feels like this because you felt neglected and your needs were not met in the past. Its awful what you are going through, no one deserves to go through this. This is also a part of the built in alarm we have inside that says "If i dont get my partner back then i will feel so terrible") I feel so very low. I wish I could speed up the healing process and have everything my life magically get better so that we could meet again when I feel myself. (If you dont work on your past issues and trauma then he will break up with you again) Maybe that's not even an option to him, but I like to imagine that it is. :'(

How do I focus on healing and tackling the issues in my life I can control when all I can think about are the facts that things are over with him and that we couldn't meet at a better time in my life? (The truth is...what done is done and you can't change your past or what you did. The only thing you can do is focus on personal growth, learning more about attachment theory, seeing a therapist who will be able to help solve your past issues, doing new things you have never done before, and dont initiate contact until he contacts you first)