Ashamed
I am ashamed of myself for believing I could be loved and that somebody as wonderful and beautiful could love me.
I gave you the prime years of my life, for 17 yrs you were a piece of me. And now you have thrown it all away down the sewer and flushed my love, dedication, endless devotion for you with it into the the abyss.
What do I want? I want you. I want what we had a few weeks ago when you loved me. When you were there and were excited about being with me. We owned the world and it was our. We held hands, we loved, we kissed in public. We were it.
What do I have now. But a hole. A pain, I feel soooo dead. yes, so dead. I did nothing wrong yet I am paying almost the ultimate price, my soul is gone, my heart is gone and I am empty without you. What else can possibly matter. Nothing.
What did I do wrong. that is nothing, which is why you cant see me or talk to me. You use me? I do not think so. I think you just went with your emotions and left me. But WTF??? After all we have been through and doing, we had just what.. 2 wks until closing on the house? C'Mon!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is summer time, were taking the hammock on the motorcycle and getting lost in the mtns for a few days, just us & the bike w/food & hammock to sleep & love in. But it is gone. We had the plans.
The wedding, oh Lord, the wedding...... I cant even go into that right now.
Our love, that is another. I am obsessed with you, I never strayed all those years and how can I veer from my course now? It was so good, remember our walks at nite and how we would act? Remember all the affection and acting like teenagers? Oh why did you leave!!!!!!
Your own family is saying that you did the bad move; throwing everythign away for the shit life is what your brothers say.
My love for you does not change; you can come back and I will not bring up what you did or hold it against you. I just want you. I can accept you back or not at all. And I want it all!
This is all for now, it is late at night & I feel drained. I want to ride my motorcycle around old town. it is warm 2nite.I thnk i will.
@norcal I can only imagine how deeply painful all this must be for you! I'm sorry your love has left you, after so many years - it's clear your love is still strong, and from what you said it sounds like it's at least possible you will be reunited.
But whether or not that is in the cards, I hope you get past the feeling of shame. You were half of what you describe as a beautiful relationship, and that means something! You were at least as deserving of all the good and beauty you experienced as your lover.
It may be difficult to see now through the depth of your current suffering, but whatever is in store for you next in life (whether it is a reunion or something else) is worth waiting and working for. I wish you the best in the next few steps of your life's journey!
