Sexless marriage
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and maybe have sex once every 6ish weeks the past few years. I have discussed it with him and he told me he's not attracted to me because I'm overweight. I don't think I look that bad because I weightlift 5-6x a week and cycle several times a week so I'm trying really hard but I do have hormonal issues I'm working on. It just sucks that he doesn't care that I'm trying and doesn't find me attractive. I was overweight when we got together then I lost a bunch of weight midway thru but got into an accident and wasn't able to walk for awhile so I put on weight again during that time. Anyways, there is zero intimacy, no kissing or making out, no cuddling, no foreplay. When we do have sex it last maximum 2 mins and it's all for his pleasure. I feel so used and so freaking lonely.
@desolatekitty
you are not alone many many of us in your shoes........
.i think it was really awful for him to tell you that ....even if a partner has put on some weight in a marriage weight goes up and down.... It most likely is an issue with him and he wants to blame you....
my spouse made me feel unattractive and unwanted i lost weight and did everything he still not interested finally found out he was having issues with things working...... and IF it happens i call it rodeo cause it is about 8 seconds. I agree when it only helps them it is disgusting to feel used and i would enjoy cuddling or some other sort of intimacy.
@desolatekitty His “excuse” really sounds like it objectifies your body. Don’t internalize his bs about your weight.
@desolatekitty
Hi. Sorry for what you're going thru. Seems like many marriages have this type of struggle. In our marriage, after having kids, I would always be the one to initiate. Wife wore many hats as a wife, daughter in-law, mother of 3, and a business profession...basically drained from the stresses of life.
For other reasons, we are separated now. I listen to many podcasts and if you have free time, check out smrnation.com with Dr. Corey Allen and his wife. Another one is marriagehelper.com with Dr. Joe Beam.
Last one I recommend is itstartswithattraction.com with Kimberly Holmes.
Give it a try to understand high desire spouse and low desire spouse and possible ways to improve the connection and relationship to avoid the marriage from falling apart. Divorce is so common and always the easy way out.
Take care..
@desolatekitty - I am so sorry that you are going through this. Withholding affection from you because of your weight is terrible; there's just no excuse for that sort of shallow behavior.
If my spouse withheld intimacy from me because of my weight, I would be pretty hurt and upset. I don't think I would be comfortable in a marriage like that. That sounds like sexual objectification to me.
You are worth more than any number on the scales.
I’m sorry. That sounds very hurtful. I am lucky to have a partner who could care less what I looked like. That being said, it’s unfortunately a sexless marriage. It’s been almost 12 years maybe since I’ve had sex and it’s becoming more and more difficult.
@pluckySkies6117
That is not a marriage it is a Roommate ......
I do not think being the understanding spouse is overrated. One should not go through life going through the motions with nothing in return ........ A person needs love and intimacy and not just the memory of it used to be ok.....
@toughTiger6481
I agree, but my husband is 100 percent perfect in every other way. Just can’t do the sex. Which is my challenge. I guess there could be worse.
I can say i am totally no longer attracted to my spouse ......
it is NEVER just one thing .... regardless if it is weight or physical issues for me the death of all attraction was in his behavior and attitude. Sometimes you may be able to reignite it but in my opinion unless you address deeper issues......... physical items like weight and items are just an easy excuse.
i would find it easier to tell spouse if he even cared ..... " i no longer find you attractive due to you letting your self go" ................................. then the truth it is much more about who he is and that does not change with a workout etc.
I love your honesty. I, too, am no longer attracted to my spouse for multiple reasons. Some are my issues but others fall him. Often, I just want to be by myself. He is a good guy and sometimes he’s fun to be around but those are qualities I find in a friend or coworker. I need more in my relationship. And to be honest, I’m starting to think he feels the same about me.
@bunylove7
I hear you and agree once i realized the thing between us is GONE ..........he also started pulling away ....
i too understand that being a good guy and a friend is not the same as a mate and partner....having a shopping buddy is not that same as someone you want to come home to want to hold and kiss
people tell me to try this or that but to what point further rejection is the last thing I need.
a pill might help in short term but often it is the hostility that has grown over his lack of openness about his failure to rise to the occasion ...... the hurt from him letting me think it was Me .......for far too long and saying it is not you does not erase that......
I feel you. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I didn't feel a passion between my husband and me for a long time. I even thought about divorce, but then I decided to talk with him honestly. Turned out that he had problems with men's health and was ashamed to tell me about it. Then we went to the doctor who prescribed him Generic Cialis. These meds really helped our marriage and we are so happy together.
I am currently going through the same thing however sex is once every 4 or 5 months. She blames it on me and I will admit I am having issues in that area however when it's a solo mission there is no problem, or watching adult movies no issues there so I think I have just become not attracted to her and it gets in the way. Now there is a back story and I'm sure this is a real issue as well. I also feel stressed all the time. I am the provider and pay for everything and I'm always thinking of this. I just want someone to talk to and when I have issues or needs or just want to talk I get the whatever and my feelings don't matter. Anyways I could go on and on just my two cents you're not alone
@desolatekitty
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your husband are experiencing in your relationship. It sounds like you're feeling hurt and neglected, which is understandable. It's important to remember that you are not alone and that many people struggle with similar issues in their relationships.
It's important to communicate openly and honestly with your husband about your feelings and concerns. It's possible that he may not be aware of the impact his words and actions are having on you. It may be helpful to schedule a time to talk when you can both give each other your full attention and discuss your feelings in a calm and respectful manner.
It's also important to take care of yourself and focus on your own well-being. This may include finding ways to manage your hormonal issues and continuing to take care of your physical health through exercise and healthy eating. It's also important to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a safe and supportive space for you to express your feelings and work through any challenges you're facing.
Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and compassion in your relationship. If your husband is unable or unwilling to meet your needs, it may be necessary to seek support and guidance on how to address the situation and make decisions that are best for you. Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
All can say is that I would like to use this space if you can use your imagination as a bed to lay my head. I know this is a serious matter between two being but when I layer my eyes on the thread I had to take advantage, thank so much for the opportunity but now you know how men can be even if we are just joking with each other, that shows you have much strength.
You can do other things like laying down and stretches, that's what I do and I haven't been proven wrong since because I am very understanding to it's power if we can understand one another.
