Questioning What I've Experienced (TW?)
Possible trigger warning....
So, my first relationship was an emotionally abusive one. He made me feel like he was the only one who could ever love me and only under the condition that I did things and acted the way he wanted me to when he wanted me to. My first sexual experence happened because he pressured/guilted me into it. There were other times throughout that relationship I felt obligated to do some sexual things I wasn't comfortable or not ready to do because......well, that's just what you do for the one you love. Right?
Fastforward: I'm in my second relationship with a really nice guy, although starting to fall out of love with him. One night, I decide to stay in a collage dorm to get out of the cramped house I lived in with him (4 adults and 2 toddlers living in a small 2 bedroom house). I tell my partner that I'm staying with a guy friend at the dorms since he offered. I admit, I had a slight crush on this guy, but didn't have any intentions of persuing those emotions unless I decided to end my current relationship at that time. I was supposed to sleep on the floor, but this guy friend only had one blanket and it was really cold. I shared the bed upon his suggestion; not too big of a deal, I've shared beds with friends before. Half-awake, I realize this guy friend had kissed me. Waking up more, he's now on top of me; kissing my neck, asking if I liked that. I didn't like the position I was in: I didn't want to be doing that and I felt that I couldn't leave because I wasn't supposed to be there and didn't want to get kicked out of collage.....but my neck is a sweet spot so it....kinda felt nice....? I ended up just going with it for a bit. He asked about sex, which I was able to say no to, and luckily he didn't push it any more. I told my partner what happened and eventually broke up with him out of guilt. I decided to pursue a relationship with the collage friend only for him to have his fun and tell me "I'm not looking for a commitment."
Ultimately: I question if I've been sexually assaulted or not. I find it dificult to lable these situations as such since I did have some feelings for these two people at those times, yet my mind sometimes tells me, "You proooobably should talk these things over with a therapist." But I probably won't because I don't really feel justified to.