Psychological Masochist?

To keep a long story short, my first introduction to the BDSM community was with a guy who turned out to be a very mentally unhealthy, sadistic and manipulative individual. I enjoyed the ability to just complete let go- to lose control and to truly be submissive. But sexually became physically, which eventually became emotional and then finally complete psychological submission.

I don't know what compelled me to give in so completely. I had gotten into a car accident the day before moving in with him (after knowing him all of a month- long story). I wound up with blood on my brain, and a midline shift of 6mm. I began developing severe dissociative tendencies to cope with my submissive behavior...

My current boyfriend is old fashioned as they get-- he's not into the rope tying, name calling, or other things that this guy was into. And at first that really disappointed me, because I craved them on what I thought was a sexual level. But I've grown to realize that I craved them for an incredibly unhealthy reason- because psychologically that man still had a hold of my mind, and I was desperate to return to the dissociative personality that I had developed- the kind that enjoys that punishment. When really the real me, the other side of me, just feels as though she deserved it...

Not sure where I'm going with this, other than to get it off my chest really, heh...