help - relationship trouble

me and my boyfriend have technically been dating for 5 1/2 months. he’s my first ever boyfriend and the first guy i’ve ever been close to in a romantic way. since the beginning of us taking i realized we are very different in the way we talk. he jokes around a lot and sometimes it does hurt my feelings. we’ve talked about it many times and he tries to not make certain jokes or do things that would upset me knowing i’m very sensitive. there’s been many problems in our relationship other than just that. i always want to talk to him when we’re not together and text and call a lot but he is either playing video games or just slow responder. it’s definitely improved but everytime i go home from seeing him ik im gonna feel upset because even if he does respond fast we don’t talk about anything over text that’s important then i think he doesn’t want to talk to me. and i always wait for him to call me but it’s always in between 2-5 am when he finishes playing video games or is more tired. that just makes me feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me all day and only calls me to sleep or just relax. then the other thing, i’ve tried to break up with him atleast 6-9 times. december was the worst though because he went home for christmas break and we didn’t see eachother for over a month. even before he left though i noticed him texting me less and not wanting to hangout. i instantly felt like something was wrong and kept thinking he was talking to other girls. each time i said i wanted to break up he’d say no i love you and we’d talk it out and it’d be fine until he’d start ignoring me again or being really dry. the first time i broke up with him that month was december 5th. but like i expected we would be fine. he called me multiple times that night till i answered and said everything is fine and we aren’t gonna break up and i’m gonna come over the next day to sleepover and watch movies. then the next morning i called him because i was confused on why he wasn’t talking to me again and he has never sounded so uninterested and like annoyed. when i added him back on snap i saw he posted a story of him just walking in the halls and i said i thought you said you don’t post on your story why are you posting right when we “broke up”? and he says you need to calm down it’s literally nothing. but i knew it i just knew it. also the next few days when i said i wanted to see him he said he’s busy with midterms even though ive went over multiple times when he had tests. but it’s true when he has to study a lot we don’t hangout but it was just weird timing. the next few weeks texting eachother just felt like we didn’t even know eachother anymore and we were only doing it cuz we had to. i told him i wanted to break up again and he said can we just take a break and start over when i come back. i didn’t really want to do this but everytime i broke up with him id secretly hope he’d not want to and i’d be happy. at the end of that convo i told him it was embarrassing he was still liking girls pictures and the ones i was talking about were girls ik he didn’t know from highschool and they didn’t even follow him back. he got really rude and defensive and was being mean so i didn’t answer his texts. the next day he sent something just being rude and annoyed even tho i never answered his first text. i think the next day i texted him saying i didn’t want to talk to him when he was being rude like that and we were fighting for awhile when i did nothing wrong but he was mad at me for some reason. then within those texts a few hours later he started being really nice to me. like too nice out of nowhere. we started texting more and i thought everything was good although he didn’t call me any of those days. finally christmas eve he called me and i basically had to tell him to say merry christmas to me. then we got into a fight over the phone about something so stupid he got mad at me for not wanting to send selfies of myself not innapropriate ones just selfies and i said i will tmrw it’s just 4am rn and i don’t want to be on my phone. then he said i was making a big deal about it when i was literally just saying i don’t want to rn. after that i texted him how i don’t like how he talked to me when i literally didn’t do anything. he finally responded at like 6pm saying hi ignoring whatever i said. but i didn’t really want to talk to him about it anymore so i just went w the convo even tho i was still annoyed. over the next few days we talked more and called and he wanted to train to see him which i said no to cuz it’s really far and i didn’t want to do that by myself. he then said he’d pick me up and then i train back home but then him and his family got covid and couldn’t come anymore. finally i saw him when he came back and everything was fine. i saw something where you can download their *** data and i really felt like i needed to because that whole month i felt so suspicious. eventually i did and all i noticed was that he unadded re added and blocked and unblocked many girls. 2 of them he told me he unadded because of something that happened. when i saw it i was bothered but i chose to ignore it. i think about a week later i was looking at the chats he sent on the data and saw he said to the one girl he told me he unadded “i want to f*** you” i couldn’t even believe it and thought it wasn’t real. and the only reason i saw that is because it was a saved chat. idek what else really happened. i texted him you did cheat on me and he denied it every single time saying he doesn’t know what i’m talking about till i finally got the courage to send the ss. the reason i didn’t want to send it is because i thought he would turn it around on me saying how did u even find that going through my phone again or whatever. but he said nothing. i basically convinced myself it wasn’t true everytime he denied it even tho i clearly saw what it said. he first said what is that? then how did you get that and i said why r u still asking questions you literally said u wanted to f*** her??!! and he said since it’s over you can ask me anything and my heart really dropped and i couldn’t believe it was true and couldn’t believe that’s how he responded to it. i have never cried the way i did that night usually if i cry i try to be quiet so my family doesn’t hear me but it was 1am and i was basically screaming. i called him a few times trying to understand and he was just really vague sounding so sad in his responses. when i’m the one that should be sad not him? i think i heard him crying to and later he told me he was crying. i felt so terrible but i only wanted to talk to him in that moment. after that we talked it out and he said because we were fighting so much that month that’s why he felt to do it and said he thought i didn’t love him. but how does it make sense you need to cheat on me because we were fighting about breaking up but u still wanted to be together the whole time? we didn’t go one day without talking. he basically lead me on thinking we didn’t have to break up and that it would get better while he was talking to a bunch of girls and doing god knows what else. i never broke up w him from that. i realize i have a very unhealthy attachment to him. each time i thought we were going to break up i felt like i was dying and couldn’t do anything but sleep. i already have pretty bad depression and i don’t even like to leave my room so going through a break up would just be terrible on top of that. the next few weeks we hung out 5 days a week and it was fun and i was happy. there were always little fights we would get into when i thought he was being mean to me or he was on his phone or laying video games too much but that was all. i was spending the week with him on my birthday which he didn’t get me anything for because he doesn’t have much money which i understand because he is a college student living alone no job. but it was just sad because he didn’t even do anything or even write me a letter. he also didn’t post me for my birthday which he told me he would. the night of my birthday i went on his phone and looked at the *** links he was looking at and it was all girls form his highschool. one of them was multiple times and that was the same girl he sent an a** pic of her to his gc. he told me it was because that was his friends ex and he wanted to see what she posted and he wouldn’t stop asking so he sent it. even though it was on her vsco not her ***?? i still think that’s a lie and it makes sense now if it is. i didn’t bring it up till 2 days later because first of all i didn’t want to be crying in my birthday and second because i feel so scared bringing that stuff up. the way i did it we were on his phone and he was saying he had nothing to hide. then i told him to go to the links and i saw it again for like 2 seconds and he instantly grabbed it from me and wouldn’t let me look even tho i already saw it. i kept asking him if he was serious and that he’s not gonna let me see? i got up got ready and was about to leave because i couldn’t believe he reacted this way. then i knew it was definitely bad. when i was packing my stuff at the end of the bed he deleted it all and i tried to grab his phone and he kept telling me to stop and was grabbing his phone and said he deleted it so i couldn’t see anyway. i went to the bathroom and he walked in and said he’ll tell me what it is. he tried telling me that he was looking at the girls accounts because he used to be friends with them and wanted to see if they were hanging out without him. he said he was embarrassed and that’s why he didn’t want to say anything. which i don’t believe at all because i haven’t seen him hangout with those girls since like grade 12 or 11 from what i’ve read on his phone. then i asked what about the other girl that was there multiple times and he kept denying it and still till this day he says there wasn’t another girl multiple times and if it was it was probably just some random girl he showed me saying he was just looking at it for some stupid reason. i know he knows but he would never ever admit it. after that i stayed but it was just terrible to think about the whole time. we were fine after that until 2 days ago i was ready to break up with him because he kept saying things that made me mad and wouldn’t stop and i just couldn’t stop thinking about everything he did and trying to understand why he did it. i also found out he had *** during december when we were fighting. he tried saying it was cuz we were fighting then said he needed the verification code to delete it then said he didn’t even use it which i know is all a lie. the funny part about that is he got it at 6:00am hours after calling me saying we’re not gonna break up. no wonder he acted like that when i called him. i don’t know if i mentioned this before but when he added that one girl back and i think all the other ones too was that same day. yet he was still trying to not break up. anyways i told him how i don’t like how he makes me feel i’m always sad because of him and no matter if that gets better i can’t stop thinking about what he did to me and scared he’s gonna do it again next time we fight or don’t see eachother. also have to mention he’s done school mid april then goes home till september. we live very far and won’t be able to see eachother unless it’s like once a month. i told him it’s not fair i have to worry about him cheating on me or even think about it. then we said we would break up. he said you should break up with me if i make you feel this sad everything you see me. i told him ok and we were both crying and he asked if we could still be friends i said no. he asked if id unadd him on everything i said idk. i couldn’t ever talk to him knowing he’s talking to other girls yk. i was crying a lot but as soon as he hugged me i cried even more and he said “we can’t break up. ok it’s ok we’re not going to break up ok” and he starts trying to cheer me up and obviously i’m glad he said that even tho this time i know i need to go through with it. but i just kept imagining living my life without him while he’s doing thinks i’ll never know about. and how i can’t see him and hang out with him every week. and how i can never hug or kiss him again. i always loved it because i would spend at week with him and it was great because i hate being at home and don’t like to talk to anyone but him and my 2 other friends. i know this is really unhealthy but idk what’s harder being with him and constantly being sad or breaking up and living with that everyday. if you read all of this thank you i didn’t plan on it being that long but i felt like i needed to mention all the details