Why can’t I just be happy and peaceful with him

Why does this same cycle occur how can I break it?

When we met yes it was a tumultuous time after the death of my partner but I pretended to be perfectly ready because a part of me thought I was

I couldn’t stand the thought of not immediately going across the country to be with my new love

I thought he at least took time to heal from his past relationship that hurt him when she broke it off after going to college. I thought. A year and a half in I look at his computer and find old texts from right after they broke up and realized he’s no different than I am. There must’ve been seven different girls he tried to replace her with.

Said how he went back home to be with family but it seems he already had a girl lined up for him when he got back? He’s never told me about this but putting it together it’s obvious. And just like me grabbing at straws from the past he seemed to think they were meant to be cause of having a mutual crush in high school that nothing came of

i guess she wasn’t as interested cause obviously nothing came of it

then after her there was another girl from tinder I guess, and then even a close family friend he saw like a cousin. And that’s not counting the one right after his breakup before going back home who had a baby and he was ready to date her even though that made no sense. And the other girl he met before going back home who he told me about once she reached back out to him as a friend

And then the one right before me who he felt used him and wasn’t really a good match

He thinks the past doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want to hear my past cause it’s irrelevant and he quote isn’t in a place to listen without being jealous whereas he told me much of his past when I asked (not the part of these girls that nothing became of) but I just feel he lied because he acted like he had been so self focused on healing and then I realized just like me he tried to find healing in a new person each time

and the insecurities he still carries from the actual ex like I have to live by certain rules so I don’t make him worry he’s losing me

I just wish he didn’t worry that

but I have to admit I think of people from the past and it’s weird because usually I don’t

i don’t know why a week ago the depression came on and I started thinking about the most unknown person. Well I guess because when it’s unknown you don’t know what kind of fit you would’ve been

a hookup but he acted so clingy from the get go saying he wanted to take me home to his family. It was so off putting. Now it’s like I wonder what if what if he had been more aligned I know it’s not right to throw love away or put love at risk over something like that I just wish these thoughts weren’t my coping mechanism cause it makes me distant from my partner

knowing full well no one will cure or solve issues

but we both are so similar enablers in that sense

Just somehow it seems he doesn’t think about those people or things or what ifs anymore

But he thinks I’m sketchy cause this depression made me distant