Who's the toxic one?
Hi
It's my first thread here but I hope I'm not the only one facing this issue.
Sorry but it's gonna be a REALLY long one.
My boyfriend and I haven't been in a "good place" lately. Well, for months, I'd say. Pretty bad, since our relationship started like 8 months ago. We've been arguing all the time. This is a new thing to me because I consider myself very non-problematic - I hardly ever argue with anyone (except for my mother but that's for another post maybe).
He's been hurt a lot before, has gone through a lot of shit (sorry, I curse a lot in general), while I'm basically a very trusting kind of type, was never "done wrong" in a relationship before but mentally I consider myself pretty strong. We've talked (argued) a lot about his trust issues. He claims he does trust me but "his demons don't"? He doesn't act as if he trusts me though. And it bothers me a lot because I've never given him a single reason to doubt my love, intentions etc. He knows that, I guess, but at the same time doesn't act like he does.
So with all that I've been extremely understanding. I'm a people-pleaser and always run to help with other's problems, give advice and all. So I've always been pretty overconfident about my take on problems like that. So it got me thinking - maybe I'm just gas-lighting him? When he tells me about his feelings I always listen but in the end I just get mad when his take on what happens is, in my mind, wrong. I'm not the most affectionate gf ever, sometimes I overlook things that I could notice and get rid of one of the reason for us to fight. But for me to have to overthink every single thing I do just so we don't argue - I don't know if I could handle it on a longshot.
I know the past me (before I got into this relationship) would've left him ages ago. I don't handle too well him questioning almost every single thing I say. I can be like "I'm talking to my friend (a girl)" and he'd be like "oh are you really?"...
But I became too attached to him. Never felt anything so strong before towards anyone - how could I find the strength to let it go? On the other side - how will I find the strength to stay and bear with all these fights?
An example of our most recent fight (yesterday's - we're not talking right now btw):
I've kind of noticed that he doesn't listen to me. Or maybe he does because he acknowledges the things I say but doesn't seem interested in the things I say. Like, when I talk he doesn't follow and continue to make it a conversation, it just becomes my monologue with his poor reactions. Like yesterday - I bought a phone - been looking for one for a few days, told him about that before. All he did was do a quick "mmhm" and that's about it. While when I told the exact same thing to one of my friends (male but we've never been interested in each other - I'm certain about his intentions towards me) he asked me what I was looking for, gave me a few tips, recommendations, we could talk about it for hours to get me buy one finally. So while I was still considering one, my friend told me - just buy it. And so I did because I needed a second opinion or someone to push me towards buying once I made up my mind.
What I did wrong was not telling that to my bf when I bought it. I should've but he was at work at that time and like I said - he didn't seem too interested in that previously. Even now he doesn't know which one I bought but I guess it's because of the argument.
I wish I could talk like this with my bf, he minds a lot that I have a friend I talk to more than I do with him. But we haven't had a legit good casual conversation in ages - the most we talk is when we're arguing. He works a lot so he's tired when he comes back home - but does that have to happen every single day that he's too tired to talk to me and on the days when he's off he always has to get mad at me for something so we CAN'T spend that one free day together and hang out like normal people? We haven't had that in ages, partially because of me too and my situation at home - had no time to hang out with him. At this point I don't know if what I'm doing is so wrong that it pushes him so hard to start an argument or if he's looking for anything for whatever reason.
I apologized for not telling him (as he wants himself to be the first person I wanna tell "news" like that to) until later because I legit felt bad that it hurt him. Sometimes we have days when we talk throughout the day while we're both at work, sometimes we don't. I wanted to let him know about it after he comes back, my friend knew about it because he was the one I got an advice from.
So back to the topic of this thread - am I toxic acting the way I am or is it my bf that's overreacting? I'm trying to be as objective as possible writing this but I know it's a long message so many people won't read it. Feels good to let it out anyway because I don't have anyone to talk about this to.
@LisGreen
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's various things I would like to point out about your post.
I can tell the both of you have been triggering one another throughout this relationship. I don't know which triggers from the past it may be, but it's causing one or both sides to feel unsafe in the connection you two have.
Your boyfriend was probably deeply hurt on his past, so all of this will come to the surface because these are things he has not work on and heal from it. The unconscious remembers trauma really well, they are times when it can easily turn into some kind of critical voice and make a person feel like they are re-living their entire past. This is the reason he says "his demons can't" because love and connection never felt safe for him, so he will more than likely not trust other people. It's very tough to have an intimate connection and romantic relationship with someone who can't trust others. They will often become hypervigilant of you "possibly betraying them", question everything you do and will often sabotage the relationships. You will end up in a cycle of things going well and then fights, which will affect your mental and emotional health.
People-pleasers will end up being attracted to people like your boyfriend because it's how love feels for them. I can tell you don't feel heard, loved and understood on this relationship in the same way you felt like this in your past. This will often make you feel this powerful attraction and attachment because it also feels familiar, we fall in love with people who reminds us of our parents whether is good or bad. I get the feeling you are trying very hard to please him when he gets mad while ignoring your intuition, needs and boundaries.
The two of you stopped connecting a long time ago, it's almost like it's more of a friendship than a relationship. It's hard for both sides to make each other feel safe and understood, and this is one of the main reasons the relationship is not working out. You are doing the best you can to be there for him, but it just feels like he's not showing you the same. This relationship will only cause you to feel further hurt, and it will not get any better for a long time. You have been going through this for the past 8 months, this is where you have to ask yourself these questions; 1) How long am i willing to tolerate his behavior?, 2) What are my needs, boundaries and wants?, 3) Is it a good investment being with someone with whom I don't feel loved, heard, and understood?. 4) What kind of feelings I associate with when I'm around him?, 5) What's the ideal partner I would like to have?, and 6) It's this a person i see myself having a future with?.